I've been thinking a lot lately about my mental focus and maybe how much I may be addicted to suffering and what I call a "beautiful sadness". Death and loss have always held me, probably longer than they should, or better put, I have always held them longer than is beneficial. I tend to have a dark sense of humor and enjoy darkness literally. As an armchair biologist, I'm fascinated by nocturnal animals that live without much light. I've even gone off camping along in the desert to record their calls and experience their "nightlife".
I tell myself it's understandable, this somewhat recent and growing intimacy with death given My father died in 2006, November 14th, and my mother died 10 years later, November 7th, 2016. (November has always been a mystical month of births and deaths in my family). There's also the new farm animal harvest that happened in October, culling the herd for winter - ducks, chickens, bunnies, and goats. I raise animals for meat so as not to support the meat industry and still feed and do my best to make it humane and give them a good free range life before they go. As an animal lover, that's been tough, but I got through it more resilient and stronger, and have striv
This winter I hit a hard depressive episode, from which I'm just recovering from, despite all my efforts to "get out into it", and remain active even after the sun goes down in order to avoid the usual hibernation and shut down I go through due to seasonal affective disorder, with its attendant depression and death of all motivational raison d'etre, with the oversleeping, loathing my obligations, and sticking to bed until literally, my back hurts. I know I'm depressed when I start oversleeping ... that is exactly what happened this Winter. It has been the worst winter depression I've experienced for a long time and came as a surprise, given my new winter routine that usually holds back the grim reaper of depression. It sucked.
I knew why it was worse, at least by the physical instigators. It coincided with breaking up from a two-year relationship that was mostly very good, but not built for longevity. We both admitted that. It blew up between Christmas and New Years, with all the hurt and pain needing to be processed, and also coincidence with my resolution to quit nicotine in all its forms (smoke and vape mostly), which threw my dopamine reward system into a downward spin ... I'm getting better. I'm still not smoking, although truth, there have been moments of weakness when the universe threw me a bone and I took it... but I am smoke free.
...talk about realigning myself to honor Mark Hollis' death February 25th, 2019, and instead honor his life, born Jan 4th, 1955
Top 10 Male Vocalists:
1. Mark Hollis (Talk Talk)
2. Paul Buchanan (Blue Nile)
3. Layne Staley (Alice in Chains)
4. Rob Halford (Judas Priest)
5. David Foster
6. Chris Cornell
7. Jeff Lynne
Top 10 Female Vocalists
1. Imogen Heap (Frou Frou)
2. Connie Mitchell (Sneaky Sound System)
3. Pink
Billie Eilish
Karen Carpenter, Annie Lennox, Dua Lipa
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