Balance of Character

 

If you've read any of my other posts, you're aware how strongly I feel about balance and achieving a middle between two extremes.  

This is a painful lesson learned from being stricken with bi-polar illness - my special mid-life crisis at the tender age of 34.  

As human beings we are very prone to take things to extremes.  As a person prone to play with ideas sometimes I even confuse myself.  When we push an idea too far sometimes we pervert it.  Excess in behavior abounds, especially in this divided day and age.  Polarization is happening in the minds and ideologies of many and we are not calling it crazy ... yet.

From observing myself and others throughout my life I have become keenly aware of character traits that can be both a strength and a weakness.  Anything we perceive in another person as being weak, can also have its expression in strength, and vice versa.

For example, my brother-in-law is kind, considerate, and enjoys helping other people. He is gifted with his hands and he shares that gift in helping others.  Problem is, he does so to a flaw and often ends up being taken for advantage.   He is a genuine person full of integrity, and expects that others are as well = projection bias.  This asset is also his liability in a world where people are prone to take advantage.

When I honestly look at myself, I can clearly see where I am lacking, especially when depressed.  I find much contradiction and conflict in my character, even astrologically, both Chinese and traditional.  Although I take much of that stuff with a grain of salt and a shot of spirits, I am a fire sign and a water sign.  I am bold and timid.  Loud brash and aggressive, AND quiet shy and secretive.  Yet given all this opposition within me, there is much in me that is an attribute of balance and being centered.   Maybe the need to center being forced upon me by being put so frequently in opposing mental states. 

When manic I am the middle child, the middle son, and the Middle Man in the Meridian of Time - Cygnus X-1 in my primal state.  On Earth this is my best strength learned and maintained - Balance.  This is what I must strive for with all the disparate ideas that I allow to dance and intermingle on the stage of my mind, especially that manic mind that pierces the bounds of reality.    

Recently, during a controlled manic episode, the following lyric spoke to me so strongly and revealed to me my primal form (again, salt and shots - Margarita's anyone?).

V. cygnus: bringer of balance 

I have memory and awareness 
But I have no shape or form 
As a disembodied spirit 
I am dead and yet unborn 
I have passed into olympus 
As was told in tales of old 
To the city of immortals 
Marble white and purest gold 

I see the gods in battle rage on high 
Thunderbolts across the sky 
I cannot move, I cannot hide 
I feel a silent scream begin inside 

Then all at once the chaos ceased 
A stillness fell, a sudden peace 
The warriors felt my silent cry 
And stayed their struggle, mystified 

Apollo was atonished 
Dionysus thought me mad 
But they heard my story further 
And they wondered, and were sad 

Looking down from olympus 
On a world of doubt and fear 
Its surface splintered 
Into sorry hemispheres 

They sat a while in silence 
Then they turned at last to me 
'we will call you cygnus, 
The God of balance you shall be' 
- Neil Peart - Rush - "Cygnus X-1 Book II: Hemispheres"

Cygnus X-1

This spoke deeply to me. Many black holes are bipolar when feeding of a nearby star. Even if all this was an outcropping of a creative mind manufacturing its own crack in a heightened sensory state, the message is still useful to me.  I must seek the middle between opposing primary ideas.  The middle is my key to sanity.  

It is my hope to find "the pocket", a maintainable hypo-manic flow state, where I am sane, yet engaged, active, and productive.   The threat of depression and coming unplugged is a very real and scary one.  The middle is where I must seek to be to thrive and where I can really feel alive and be productive.  Speaking of depression I quote the great Rob Halford, "I've had enough, I've had enough, Good God Pluck me!"   I am god's string that he has tuned, I am ready to be plucked and sing out my song.   I've had enough suffering and depression these past 12-15 years since my apple cart was turned over and I watched as all my apples rolled away.  I am seeking to rebuild, to regain.

Recently I used a scriptural quote to push a point on something I was Facebooking about, " For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matt 6:21).  It caused me to think, "What is my treasure?  Where is my heart?"

My treasure is existence, and the exploration of such.  My treasure is life, being ... it is so wonderful just to be, especially when in a frame of mind that is full of joy and appreciation - this is heaven on Earth.  This is the brain state I seek to be in, and awaken every day.  My treasure is also other people, whom I love.  My treasure is life, in all its forms and manifestations.  This is my overarching admirable trait - existence seeking understanding in love.

I recently wrote - 

My goal is to become like God
My bliss is to find him.
His joy is to see me coming
My joy is to find his arms open to receive me
I have been promised all that he has
and all the time I need to obtain it.

Now remains the question, "What to master first?"

This life is is all about mastery.  Looking at any admirable trait it becomes obvious that is can be bad or good depending on how it is handled and expressed - when taken to extremes it can become a problem.  This is the issue of my "illness".  I need to take much care in not letting my "in the pocket" state of flow roll wild and off the rails, or run so long and hard that my brain must crash into depression, delusion, or overload.  It is the moral to the story of the tortoise and the hare. I can be both, I have been both, and must now learn to put them together into a freakish offspring of Tortare (sounds like a weird Spanish cake).  This feat might be as the name suggests, torture.   Maybe the best solution is using each attribute as best fits the situation, and letting each inform the other.

I must too acknowledge my support system, my good wife.  She and my love for her helps to keep me grounded and balanced.  I recently wrote a short poem which expresses this:

He'd say every day without making a sound 
a thankful praise to the big one unbound, 
That Mr. Head in the Sky met Mrs. Feet on the Ground, 
and his love for her has kept him tied down, 
and her love for him has kept her around,
just like the Sun, Earth travels, round.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, back to business.  Consider the following opposing traits and imagine how they can be either bad or good, or represented in degrees on a scale.  Think of each as they are best expressed in context, or may be a poor servant if expressed in the wrong context.

Focus  - Daydreaming
Sociability - Solitude
Honesty - Discretion
Kindness - Abuse
Love - Hate
Creative - Destructive
Giving - Stingy
Cool headed logical thinking - Sensitivity, emotion, empathy
Intelligence, logic, rational ability - creativity, unbounded thought
Confidence, ego, Self possession - uncertainty, humility, doubt
Specialization - Generalization
Big picture thinking - Small picture details
Curiosity, interest - Certainty, disinterest

.
.
.

I could go on and on, but the point is that with each of these elements there are upsides and downsides.  I sense that the key to finding the best of our character traits is learning best how and when to express them (degree and context).   Name any trait, emotion, or brain state and I can show it to be bad or good given context and degree.

Balance = Symmetry Synergy 
The human brain is both logical and spiritual when considering it all together.  Big picture thinking and perspective mixed with the directed focus and endurance of the left  brain areas = Symmetry Synergy.  It is pulling from the best traits of both sides and using them in a fitting manner as needed.  This finding the center is hard, and the center is a very difficult place to remain in any conflict. Conflicts are polarizing.

Please note the following generalizations between each side of the brain and types of thinkers are highly simplified, as things always occur in degrees and nuance, and not in absolutes.  Every normal person's mind is a mix of all of its parts.  This left brain, right brain jargon is very simple, and used to portray the attributes of each side.  In reality people are a combination of traits, it is a cohesive complicated combination of brain activity.  

Yet people can be shown to favor, or be prone to, one side of thinking over the other.  Like said, finding the center is hard, especially between very strong polarizing ideas and situations.  Most people are one side of center to a certain degree, soemtimes quite extreme.  I've divided the two types as simply either thinkers or feelers.

Concerning the conflicting sides of the brain, we know what we know scientifically in this area due to studying people with severe hemispheric damage.  In reality it is not such a clear division.  Most people's brains are whole and function very intermingled and integrated.  So put a grain of salt on the following serving (or sugar as you see fit). 

The Two Hemispheres

Upsides and Downsides.  

The following are generalizations with the attendant caveats at such.

Left Brain Thinkers (LBT) are specialists, directed, detail oriented, and have the strength of logical intelligence and endurance.  They tend to be specialists and sequentialists who are very knowledgeable on a limited set of observable experience.  

Upsides to LBTs = Success in the activity at hand - completion, discipline, focus of mind and effort, speed of acquisition, no distractions, very skilled in a few areas.  Very practical and pragmatic.

Downsides to LBTs =   Limited skill set, limited sight, blurred vision; short on emotion, and patience.  Poorly developled social skill, maybe even antisocial. See themselves as separate from others (maybe even better, smarter), low on compassion, empathy, or tolerance. Restricted view of what constitutes reality. They rarely feel deeply or cry.

Right Brain Thinkers (Feelers) (RBT) are divergent, accepting, big picture types.  They are primarily feelers, trusting emotion and sixth sense over rationality and logic.  They are adventurous and imaginative. They too can be very skilled as well at what they pursue.  They usually display more empathy for others.
  
Upsides to RBTs = Sensitive to others and usually get along well socially, as opposed to the stereotypical socially awkward science geek.   They have a larger capacity for empathy toward others, esp those of whom are in need.  They tend to live a richer life of emotions (highs and lows), they enjoy a broader scope of experience and interests.

Downsides to RBTs = Distraction, lack of discipline and follow through.  Can be anti-intellectual.  Can lack logic skills. Somewhat non-directed or focused.  Slow acquisition of information or skills which require strong discipline due to lack of single minded focus.  They often feel deeply and cry.

The Middle = Balance = The 3rd Element
The almost always forgotten 3rd element in any dichotomy, and here in thinking is the middle.   There is balance in the mind of a middle thinker, but they can tend to be "jack of all trades, and master of none", too.  Everything has its costs, and compromises.  

A good balanced middle thinker can draw on both sides as needed, they see both big and small, long term with the short.  They synthesize the two halves to create more than the sum of the two parts = synergy = mental fusion.  Most people if measured would fall somewhere left or right of this state but if their corpus collosum is functioning properly their brain halves are balanced in some degree.  As said earlier, the natural brain state is a mix and combination of all parts of the brain, that we consciously direct from one side or the other. In order to function and avoid perpetual conflict, and for our own comfort we choose a side.  

The brain is a muscle, and we strengthen which we activate (use actively the most) - this is how people can become encapsulated in a type of thinking; a character with character traits.  "As a man (woman) thinketh, so is he (she)."   

Your state of being and perceiving (your character) is the result of a bunch of neurons being thrown together and grown into a mind, and this mind being fed by environment and led by YOU from a very early stage (whatever that 'you' may be, Science doesn't really know).  As an agent of your own mind you can control (to some degree) what you will be - you will be the thoughts and activities you pursue, you will be the views you hold true - choose your poison carefully.  Choose what you do with great care and purpose.

Sorry that I'm rambling a bit, but reality and life within it is a very rich field of oppositions; and seeking to balance these oppositions within oneself is no easy task.

I love solving puzzles.  Fitting all the pieces together. I love playing games. I play with ideas and concepts and try to fit them together. You are your own best puzzle; your own best game; your own best mystery. Seek to balance the elements within you to create synergy of mind and character - a win-win of the game of self.  

I love win-win, and seek it everywhere I can.  Win-win is good (god), win-lose is evil (the devil).  Balancing your mind can be a win-win, and in so doing you will find god within.  But true too, your mind can be a win-lose, and in so doing part of you dies and loses, and in your pride, the devil inside.

I hope you will seek to balance what is good in you, and diminish the negative by seeking its opposite, or embracing what is good about it.  If you have hate make that hate pure by hating error and inefficiency but never people, and seek love for that which merits it.  Love will ameliorate hate and put it in its proper perspective.   Hate has its place too.   I hate inefficiency.  I hate lack of focus.  I hate my faulty memory.  I hate it when people hate each other.....I hate that I am confined to express my ideas through clunky words.  Come on Vulcan mind meld!

Overall, seek love, peace and balance of character - go after every good thing around you and within you. Most of all, and most scary - go after that which you lack or do not understand.  Tackle something that makes you uncomfortable and be willing to explore it without fear.  If you're a feeler, take a math class, or a course on logic, or read a good non-fiction book on the universe (or any other aspect of nature or reality that interests you).  If you're a thinker, open your mind to other spiritual possibilities - pray, meditate, take an art class or something creative.  Try to find and experience the divine...no matter how hard you don't believe it.

Whoever and where ever you are, I wish you love, peace, and happiness in its fullest in finding yourself, your whole self, and loving life (yours and others) as a whole person - Namaste.*

*When I say Namaste - I am by no means implying that I am your master, nor am I saying that you are mine.  I am saying that we are each our own best masters.

My Simple Concept of God

I hope to keep this one short and simple.  If you've read my blog posts thus far you know that I talk much about god at times (maybe all the time).  I especially do when I'm manic, as in right now (so take all this with a grain of salt).  When I'm manic I become very creative.  Don't worry, soon I'll come to my senses and possess a healthy skepticism about the divine.  But for now I am really tuned in to god's frequency.

It is a very controlled and centered mania, but a mania nonetheless.  My realizing it for what it is helps keep me in bounds. I have agreed at my wife's and doctor's requests to go on medication to "normalize" my thinking.  I'm on medication as I type this, but just barely - only a few doses/days.  Like most manics I do not presently think I need the meds...but I am willing to take them at the request of my  wife.  My love for her has made me submissive enough to consider her comfort level and comply with her judgment against my own judgment.   I do not like to see her unhappy or see her experience the fear and worry she has for me and the kids when my head is so far up in the clouds, or down deep into the rabbit hole.

As said, god is my trigger, and when manic I pull it. When normal or depressed I lean toward atheism, and I realize that my ideas of god may be merely a delusional state of mania, and that possibly all religious belief is some degree or form of mental illness.  Overall, the god I believe in is a god of love and happiness (Think Dionysus - Bacchus, but much more than that).  I do not believe in the god of the old testament, or that of any religion based on it. My god is the god of the whole world (reality) and his requirement is our beneficial and enlightened existence in it.  My god is meek &  small; a still small voice which guides me and my thinking.  This is how I experience god when manic. He is small, quiet and meek - and exudes from everything I consider, everything I hear and see, and sense. It is a very connected and expansive state of mind, which state is very convincing and powerful.

So simply put, here is my manic idea of god:  God = 1, which represents something, or everything material that exists (from here on the word god can be replaced with reality).

This god of substance is something, masculine in nature, an ego, a thinker and perceiver - Light.  So god is something, an entity ... but from astrophysics we learn that nothing came first, and something is a potential comprised within the nothing and sprouted from it. (A Universe from Nothing, Leonard Krauss).

This state of something as existing amid a vast sea of nothing works from clear out to the scale of the cosmos, inward to galaxies, stars/solar systems, Life on earth, on down to the scale of atoms and nuclear physics, with layers of such at every scale.  Nothing is predominant within our cosmos.  "And the light (something) shineth in darkness (nothing) and the darkness comprehended it not."  And, in our cosmos and within our reality we have found much that is hidden from direct observation, even down to the scale of particles.  As such, could not god be hidden too?

So the original god, the entity that came first was nothing, the void: god = 0.  

A 'god', since it was first to exist and gave birth to the god of substance.   This god is feminine in nature and spiritual.  It gave birth to something and light (matter, gravitational by nature, coalesced it transformed that matter into light, solar fusion).  When the something within the nothing became sentient and aware it took its place over the nothing.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first.  It ascended due to its sentience (ultimately life from light and energy) and doing so created infinity and became unbounded, creating infinity. ∞ = 1/0, where zero is not zero, but an infinitesimally small number approaching zero (Just as nothing is not absolute but actually can be shown to contain something on a quantum state of potentialities, there is no absolute zero ( nothing))

So within nothing was something, and nothing did not comprehend it ... but something arose from nothing and at some point comprehended itself and then comprehended the nothing from which it sprang, and in doing so understood the first big bang, a singularity wherein something arose and triumphed over the void to become the infinite (astronomically huge), everywhere, and unbounded.  
So again, simply and in fairy tale form, god's wife is the first god, zero, nothing (just as life is primordially female, and maleness is a subset of female).   From nothing something was born, became self-aware, and soon became aware of the nothing, and felt an attraction for it.  His attentions and appearance caused her to be self aware, but she could not comprehend the light (god) yet. Once she did they met, she initially resisted him.  They fought a little for dominance, married, the climax of their union being the big bang wherein children were born (all the stars and galaxies in the sky).  All of this happened so fast, actually in no time at all since it happened outside of measured time.  In a place/space where time is infinite and eternal, and nothing changes (stagnation), there is essentially no time and this state can go on forever...or fornever.  God created existence, what we call reality, by becoming self aware.  

We often like to think of god in grand terms with a big omni placed in front of every imaginable trait.  He is grand but limited, and best of all he is small and simple to understand ... much like the weak invisible force of gravity which has created all that we see in the universe.  Just as the mega large scale of the Cosmos is easier to understand than super small scale of nuclear physics (for me at least).  For me god is easier to understand in a still small voice, in a meek and unimposing nature.  This is how I experience god when manic. Christ said, "And the greatest among you shall be the least and servant of all".  To me this describes God.   He is everywhere and small, the facilitator, the space between lines, the void that defines.  This is how my god is everywhere.

God's (reality's) role is to facilitate growth and joy.  He is not a bully.  He will not force you, or impose on your will and agency in any way.   He errs on the side of silence. You an believe whatever you want. He will allow you to pursue what you seek, even if it is wrong.  He (reality) will answer your questions with what you want to hear (especially if you keep asking the same question without really listening).  Many times we approach god cocked and loaded and what we are really asking is for him to pull the trigger of approval.  That is give us the answer we want.   It is all given according to your desires and your intentions.   If you are intent to disprove him, he will let you.  If you desire to find him you might.  The trick is to purify your desires.  Be truly open and consider that you may be entirely wrong about some fundamental assumptions.   Otherwise, much like multi-sized steel balls rolling on a plane with multi-sized depressions, you will get stuck in the depression that best fits your circumference.  Only when you are unbounded and flexible in size can you really navigate your surroundings.   Time and space are flexible;  getting stuck by our own fixed ideas is not.  As such, I even consider that there may be no god, and strive to accept the high probability of that.

There is no joy in stagnation. Joy is had in growth, discovery, and exploration. Your life was meant to be happy and joyful - NOW, HERE, TODAY.  Today is yesterday's heaven, don't make the mistake of waiting for it. Appreciate the now. If you're not happy and having fun you're doing it wrong.  You have a bad perspective, or maybe taking the gut wrenching rides at wrong end of the amusement park.   Maybe you're stuck.   God wants to help you get unstuck, so you may roll and flow and in doing so find happiness, growth, and joy, without fear, guilt, or shame ... without sin.  In my opinion, the only sin is getting stuck and continuing to act in a way that is contrary to happiness, either yours or that of another.

Consider this concept of joy when you think about an unchanging god who has done and seen it all - he is stuck in a way, in his own perfection.  How boring to know it all. Perfection is boring. His joy is now had vicariously through you and his love for you. You are dear to him since you are the source of his joy. You remind him of his childhood - you make him laugh, you make his existence meaningful. You are his child, he is your father, his wife is your mother. Honor them both and seek their advice. They want nothing more than your happiness, success, and JOY! Be joyful! Seek to know them both. When I say both I mean consider the dark/negative side equally.  Consider what may be wrong about everything you think is right.  Don't be afraid of the dark, or the negative. Don't be afraid to be wrong or make mistakes, or to inspect yourself honestly, without the rose colored glasses.  Doing this you will fight your confirmation bias and come closer to the truth.  The truth about the negative aspects of life can be a force and motivation for good as well.

If you want to please god most, be happy and share your life and thoughts.  Commune through meditation and prayer (commune = communication).  They are terribly bored without you, but unlike you without them, without you they do OK.   Point is, on a certain level, you need god, and god needs you to appreciate in wondering awe; The observer whose observation calls that which is observed into existence and fixes it in space and time. 

It all begins again and anew when stagnation yearns for joy, both with god and with humans.

At the end of what seemed an infinite time, as the gods became one they realized that this oneness, this sameness, had ruined all the variety and the joy of diversity.  They each and collectively yearned again for joy, for laughter that is mostly had via the irony created by opposition.  However, being one and perfect they could in no way destroy that perfection and return to a state of opposition.  So instead, a child was created and allowed to break it. Somewhat a sin, but mostly in the innocence of curiosity and a child like nature.  Children love to investigate, take apart and destroy. When manic I believe that I AM that child who broke it.  I was the last born spirit child of another time.  If so, I'm sorry for breaking it and causing such terrible destruction.   But I am also so glad, now that I understand the big picture, now that I understand how rich life is when broken apart, and opened up, much like a geode exposes its hidden beauty when broken.   The cosmos (the infinite void or oneness) does the same when broken, it creates life and existence.   It creates a depth and richness in the recycling and balancing via the re-introduction of opposition.

Now that I understand the endless circles (cycles) of eternity I see that it IS all good...it is all god.  Upon being broken the one god(s) exploded and scattered everywhere throughout creation, and over eons of time it is gathering itself back together evolving in a misentropic climb from energy to light to life growing in intelligence until it reaches its ultimate state wherein each enlightened individual realizes that they are all the same, they are one.  This gathering might even be accomplished after the heat death of the cosmos where all is left is burnt out stars and swirling black holes which sweep up space and recycle all the matter, maybe even eating each other.  They are the janitors who clean up after the party gorging themselves on the leftovers until they explode releasing it all again.

All of the exploded gods (materials) are regrouping and growing in a first-last/last first fashion, programmed within the big bang is the evolution of the gods.  We are, just like our sun and the appearance of life, currently in the meridian of time, the time of man, the time of the middle.

Like Man, children have a predilection for destruction - just let one child build a block tower in a room full of kids and see what happens.  Their exploration is reckless and sometimes destructive.  All creative acts are in some fashion destructive.  Construction involves destruction, and destruction can be instructive.

As a child I loved bugs.  Sometimes my play with them became very destructive, cruel, mean, but not intently so.  Although I believe life is sacred, there is little sin in this.  It is a good lesson for kids to learn about insects, and learn to respect life through making mistakes with them while growing to love and respect life.   I remember being drawn to tears when a bug or other small animal I had captured with the intent to keep alive had died ... due to my interference and bungling.  I loved animals, all kinds of critters, and these things die, especially in the hands of a child.  Sometimes we blame ourselves for that loss of life.  Many times I'm sure it was my fault due to ignorance, or negligence.

I believe that god is the source of all that is, including most of all life.  It, at a certain point, becomes stagnant, and needs to be ReSeT ... And a child was allowed to reset it, as the gods had become one, on both sides - a singularity if you want.  

A child was allowed to break it so that life could begin anew.  Some lives were lost, and damage was done, but the gods were programmed into reality - the big bang.  God(s) exploded, and it all began anew - Perhaps at some point our universe will stop expanding and will be seemingly still for a short period, then it will begin to contract back into another singularity.  Or else it may all die a heat death of entropy with only black holes still churning and vacuuming up all the debris, eventually vacuuming up each other until  at last they create a grand singularity that blows big bang anew.

This is my belief, that the cosmos is cyclic.  I know it counters Larry's idea that the universe is flat.  He's certainly smarter than I ...maybe I should really read his book again, this time more intently?  The biggest thing I gleaned in reading it is that Nothing is unstable.  In its purest state it creates stuff. God is nothing that created something and the something that sprang from nothing.

This is my understanding of god, and my understanding of eternal life (and death). Admittedly it is along the lines of reincarnation on a cosmic scale, which may happen on smaller scales. God IS in all that you can look at, study and perceive.  He is a frequency, a very real one, that you can tune into, and turn to, and experience.

Tune in to your favorite station, listen to the music, and find your joy.....follow your bliss!  It really is ALL good.  And if you don't find god, but find the good, and find something important to get out of bed for everyday - that is good enough.  You are finding god, know it or not, and god loves you and the work you do in growing and living your life.  If your heart is good and your desires are good you have found god, you are on the path.

As with most ideas stemming from right brained belief, these ideas on god are creative and imaginative.  Since these are clearly held as beliefs they can be as creative and imaginative as I like.  As beliefs on god go they have as much chance of being right as any other. Beliefs like imaginations are unassailable by logic, even if incorrect, especially when belief morphs grotesquely into knowledge. We err most when we make beliefs facts.  We must keep a hard dividing line between belief and knowledge.  Hopefully my stated beliefs here didn't sound overtly factual.  In my love for facts and its champion science, I have tried to create a belief in god which is compatible.  Maybe all I've done is create a monster like Dr. Frankenstein.  But this is an idea of god I can get behind with my scientific mind.

I know I intended for this installment to be short...it's not.  It's much longer that I intended, more scattered and hyper connected due to my current manic state, but I hope somewhere in all of this I've communicated my impressions of god.  "God bless us - everyone!"  Find your divine, and be god, especially so by adding another o ;)

The Charter Meeting of the CCC!

I am happy to announce the charter meeting of Coffee Chat Club, (CCC), open to anyone willing and able to attend (and abide the rules).  

Where: Beans & Brews - 5400 South 3600 West

When:  Saturdays at 6-8 AM*

Rules of the CCC
1. You don't have to drink coffee, get what you like, bring what you like.  (Kudos however, if your drink choice begins with C, or contains caffeine).

2. The time, day and place is set (for now at least).  Don't complain about the time, as anything worth its salt requires sacrifice.  This may also filter out those lacking the discipline required to keep to the rules.

3. Open to anyone willing to attend and abide (much like The Dude).

4. No yellin er fightin - confound it!  We are and seek to be friends first.  No ganging up or dogpiles on the rabbit.

5. Listen and speak with respect seeking understanding. You can tell Ron to be quiet - he will try.

6. Stimulating conversation: Talking is meant to be fluid, organic, and unconstrained, however if you need the floor please pickup and hold the "Wadded Napkin".

7. Open to all forms of knowledge, all religions, non-religions, beliefs, and sciences.

8. Any topic is open game.  Talking can be circuitous if you can tie it back to the topic (that one is again mostly for my sake).  The goal of every discussion is to end on the beginning topic or develop a theme.  Each member may try to be a facilitator of that.  If desired, we can also turn some of these meetings into a book club of sorts, with the restriction of no fiction.

9. Any opinion is a good opinion - especially so if it seeks correction and understanding and can be supported by facts/evidence. 

10. Agree to disagree is an acceptable last bastion of conflict, as is testimony bearing.  The goal however is to abstain from these dead ends.

P.S. - If you take away only what you came with that is your choice and responsibility ... but also your loss.

Hot 4 Teachers

As the coming school year bears down, my mind is on teachers. I'm upset when I hear tell of the somewhat abusive environment in which they operate. In our society is a tacit expectation for teachers to magically fix everything, using their good heart and pure love for helping the kids; so much so that at times they should even do it for free.  No other degree'd professional would be so heavily expected to donate their time outside contracted work hours - but in order for a teacher to do the job expected, and a job well done, they must.

I would advise all teachers to stand up in protest and only work those hours for which you're being paid.  Your union is not standing up for you. Your politicians are not standing up for you. It is time to stand and let your voice be heard.  You all have much experience with that.

You will seldom, if ever, hear a politician lay the educational burden on the backs of those with whom they are trying to curry favor.  To do so is an act of political suicide.  So instead most of the load is put upon teachers, administrators, and the school system.

It would also cause an uproar for any teacher or administrator in a school system to publicly say this, so I guess you need to hear it from me.  I do not teach in the public school system, but I know a few teachers who do.

Parents, and especially students share this sacred contract and should be expected to carry their share. To use a fitting computer programming acronym - GIGO (Garbage in, garbage out.): An informal rule holding that the integrity of output is dependent on the integrity of input. 

Some parents and students do 'get it', without it having to be told by a politician, or public servant, and all the better for them.

To wrap up, it is my intent that teachers get their due and we stop making them work for free.  

It is also my intent to extend a hearty handed high five to those who taught me in my sorry state of youth during my time in public school.  I hope this provides consolation, to any teacher reading this,  to know that they did teach me and I did learn.  Those who taught me likely don't remember me since I was a quiet and shy kid who did the minimum to get by with as little notice from my peers and teachers, but I did pay attention and you did teach me well.  Thank you, and chin up, feet down for the year ahead teachers.

FWIW: I attended Jackling Elementary (K-2)  Carl Sandberg Elementary (3-5), Southland Elementary (6), Copperton Jr High (7-9), and Bingham High School, Class of 81.


*The first two paragraphs were submitted to the Deseret News, SLC Utah It was printed appearing in their letters section on Friday the 21st, 2013.  Thank You Des News.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765636260/Unions-not-standing-up-for-teachers.html

The Story of the Wanna Be Rock Star

In my youth I loved music - nothing unique in that, right?
I dreamed of being a rock star - again not so special.
All my life I have retained these passions.

At the age of 13, 1976, in an adolescent stage of musical discovery and awakened focus, my musical preference was Hard Rock & Heavy Metal.   I remember at this age going with my mother to the store to buy my first albums (awkward admission I know, but I was cool with it).  I say albums, but my first 3 albums were actually 8-tracks.  Choosing only 3 was hard, but all I could afford on my paperboy income.  I chose the latest releases from three of my favorite groups: Boston (1st), Kansas (Leftoverture), & Rush (2112).  My other loves necessarily abandoned that day due to lack of coinage were; Aerosmith, AC/DC, Foreigner, Foghat, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, and Styx.

Thus began my love affair with music and my rock star dreams.  At that point my only rock star training musically had been on the accordion (if you can call it that - music, or rock star training).  I was a poor student, but it was a good instrument for introducing and learning music; especially a good choice for parents if the goal is to have their child all to themselves at this age.  

When I was 15, I was set on the path toward achieving metal god status.  An instrument I could wield proudly in public. I was getting an electric guitar!  I again went with my mother to pick out my first guitar (still no shame).   I got a Peavey T-60 and a small Peavey practice amp, again using my paper route earnings. Immediately I began fooling around in the basement, this time with no formal training, and the same lack of focused discipline.

When 21 and back from my LDS mission in 1984, music again took center stage, but this was stage two.  Now I was heavily into electronic music.  Re-Flex, Talk-Talk, Ultravox, New Order, A-ha, Men without Hats, Tears For Fears, OMD, Prefab Sprout, The Cure, Yazoo, U2....I could really go on a long time.  I was so taken with the diversity and newness of the groups and sounds.  Comparatively hard rock and heavy metal seemed a bit one dimensional.  

So obviously the choice of instrument became a synthesizer. I got my first synthesizer at about this age, a Roland Juno-60, fresh off the press.  Again, lots of fartin around (those were mostly the sounds it made - or rather that I could make on it) and no formal training.

While attending the University of Utah, in 1986, I got an ESQ-1 and a Roland TR-505 drum machine and started composing my first original tunes.  This was the beginning of my song writing hobby.  Since then I've written many many songs, most in some sate of unfinished, under the moniker onetomany.  http://onetomany.weebly.com/

I've also listened to much much music of all types - I love music!  Musicians are my favorite people (and some of my closest friends -you know who you are).

I still compose my own music and play multiple instruments (nothing stellar, but that's what happens when you try to do it all).   For me, it's not important whether or not I do anything big with my music.  What matters most is that making music gives me joy.  I know this sounds like synthesizing happiness, and maybe it is.  But I love synthesis (Kant) and synthesizers, so I'm down with that.  

If you want to watch a good series in what makes happiness check out the 2012 TED.  There's a series on happiness that is really great stuff if you have the time.   In one part of the happiness talks, a man is speaking about how we synthesize happiness.  I am so down with that.  Music makes me feel, and the predominant emotion felt is happiness.  There's also a good article on Happiness at Psychology today.

http://www.ted.com/playlists/4/what_makes_us_happy.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201306/what-happy-people-do-differently

FWIW: Recently I was watching a DVD on one of my all time favorite bands RUSH and their Snakes & Arrows tour, and they had a whole bonus section devoted to the head roadie and the guitar tech, etc.  It was cool and informative and all, a little tedious and a bit esoteric, very vulgar...lotsa peppered language but that never stops me - I love pepper. It was interesting and cool - but nothing compared to the main event DVD.  After watching this I became struck with the parallel between Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ.  I know - I'm very strange.

Getting all caught up in Joseph Smith is like spending all your time with the guitar tech roadie, when you could have met the masters of the instruments, and experienced the awesomeness of their music.   Imagine you get invited backstage to meet the holy trinity of rock, and you get sidetracked by the first guy you run into, the guitar tech roadie, and you foolishly spend most of your time hanging and chattin with him.  A pretty cool opportunity, that I would not turn down by the way.  But if given the option the better choice of that limited time expenditure is obvious.   I'm sure that roadie is a pretty skilled player, but wouldn't you rather hang with Alex, Neil and Geddy?   

In case you're wondering the order of the rock trinity, Alex is Christ, Geddy is God, and Neil is the Holy Ghost...Or maybe swap the last - maybe Neil is God since he's so detached and distant, and heady.  But Geddy is heddy and Alex too.  I've confused myself now.  It's hard to tell them apart since they are so ONE :) 

Embrace your inner weirdo - and make music with whatever you have around and inside you!  Follow your bliss to find yourself.  Follow god, through his son Jesus Christ.  He is the source of all bliss and creativity.

fwiw: the picture is a rock star doodle I drew in 1979-80, at the age of 16.

Is Discretion Deception?

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."  

Actually I hate lying, lies, and liars.  I despise deception. And I should note the obvious - Like everyone else, I'm guilty of all the above.  

Nevertheless, I strive to be honest and painfully so.  The problem this can create is that via projection bias I assume other people want to enjoy my pain, and the pain of my painful truths, or endure the whacked out world of my euphoric glory story.  Sometimes I am direct and candid to a flaw.  The better statement would be "Ask me no questions and I'll not tell you the stuff you can't handle".  I know this sounds a bit arrogant, but because I am able to hold such a diversity of contradictory ideas and opinions together, discovering and skimming off the dross, while saving the steel within my red hot fired furnace of flaming focus, I will inevitably offend someone in conversation if it's in their nature to be offended or be put off.  

Sometimes when I can manage discretion I pretend to not know the answer, or do not delve deeper when in actuality my thinking and feeling goes much deeper than I let on, that is when centered.  When I'm manic discretion goes right out the window as I become hyper talkative and share every crazy thought in my head.  This is when I most need to practice the art of discretion, and this is when it is most difficult.

So the big question here to ponder here in my quest not to lie, or deceive is, "When is withholding information lying?".

In my judgment, discretion is deception when you soften or deflect the truth to make things (usually regarding yourself) appear better than they really are by not revealing possibly damning information, or information that makes you look weak or at fault.  You are not forthright in telling all because doing so might hurt your cause, or your self interests.  This stopping short of full disclosure when asked is lying.  You are not protecting anyone but yourself and your own self interests.  But just how much do we need disclose about ourselves?  Do I really need to be so forthright in telling people of my bi-polar illness? Do people really need or care to hear your every flaw?  I think not, unless it is applicable to the situation or conversation and pertinent.  Ideally we would all be open books and forthright.  Comfortable in our own skins and our own challenges.  I think this would help us all have more compassion and realize that everyone's dealing with their own unique bag of problems and challenges.

That said, it's not your place to share information about others that they have confided in you. Discretion employed with privileged information about other people is not lying, it's gossip, unless under oath.  Keeping your mouth shut on sensitive information about another person that the person would not want shared is not lying.  This is truly discretion.

Sometimes discretion is used in order to not let someone down with negative news, or to hurt their feelings with the truth (or your opinion).  Parents in the same way shield their children from some truths until they're ready and/or at the appropriate age to hear it.  But I feel when sincerely asked you should be completely honest, even if that truth is hurtful.

Sometimes we practice discretion so as not to spoil the surprise. Sometimes in order to really understand something people, especially kids,  need to go through a problem themselves without being told the answer.  Telling all without allowing the student to question and seek is intrusive to the learning process, and may short circuit another person's curiosity and subsequent joy of discovery - like revealing a plot to someone who hasn't finished the movie. 

This buzz kill could be one scenario, but more often I've found that some of my sharing only leads to disagreement and dismissal.  Everyone is watching their own movie.  This is were discretion is best employed, when people seriously don't want to know.  This is another case where I think that discretion is not lying ... you've really not been asked the earnest question.  I feel this way every week when attending a church I know is blatantly wrong in all of its foundational stories - putting its best foot forward to an extreme it is a case of not telling the whole truth.  It is blatant decception.  How ironic is it that the people professing to have all the truth, really have something deeply mired in falsehoods ... but they don't want to hear that, and full disclosure would seriously hurt the church, and likely kill it.  But in my opinion a church practicing blatant deception by not disclosing all the facts (good and bad) deserves to die, or at least be seriously reformed.

This creates a dilemma for me - Keeping my mouth shut when people really don't want to hear what I have to say - the truth I've learned about things they hold dear.  Being tight lipped and going along as they recite their falsehoods as truth I feel like a hypocrite by giving the impression that I am in silent agreement.

Learning discretion is the lesson I am trying to derive from continuing to attend the church of my upbringing ... the same church which I have dissected and discovered some very ugly truths - the biggest of which is that it is not capital TRUE, but rather contains some truths, these along the line of core values.  This reduction of TRUE to truths, along with the ugly discoveries which cause truth shrinkage, are things that most active members faithfully attending meetings have little desire to hear, discuss, or know anything about.  People in the church, even my bishop, have actually told me that, in so many words, "Those things might be true but I don't care to discuss them, and have no interest in knowing any more about it".   This is likely a case wherein I was insensitive to their actually not seeking information, and more focused on my need to talk about it.  But I did feel that I had valid concerns that I should have been able to discuss with my Bishop when I went to him for his counsel on how to navigate church meetings without feeling like a fraud.  He basically shut down the conversation because what I was saying was uncomfortable for him. 

So I've decided to make my attendance at church a learning exercise in discretion.  Go along to get along, and keep it zipped. Maybe insert a mild inoffensive but informational fact here and there to broaden the discussion.  But going along silent and smiling feels complicit.  In my digging and discovery at first I was charged, "Everyone should know this!"  Now I've settled down and realized that they don't want to know.  They're blissfully happy where they are.  I no longer wish to hurt, or do any damage to the happy delusions of others.  Yet I so strongly want to fix them, to correct them.  But we must each respect each other's delusions and beliefs.   Even if I myself enjoy the hard truth and people who are straight up and tell it to me frank.  As such it is really hard to offend me.  In my naivety I really had a hard time accepting just how intransigent people are to accepting the truth, or anything outside their truth circle.

When I do feel free to share my take on things some people get very upset and offended.  It is not my desire to upset people. But it is also hard to sit silent when my bullshit meter is pegging in the red zone.   My silence feels like dishonesty. It feels like hypocrisy.  I treasure and safeguard my integrity.  My definition of Integrity = Truth > Comfort. 
My 'go along and smile' approach can be seen as a deception, especially if others assume that I agree with their ideas and ask me to commit and serve in positions where I would be required to share my views, and even worse adhere to their ideas with which I do not agree.  

I'm somewhat a pleaser, agreeable, and like to help others.  Yet I also am a bit obsessive about correcting things.  I can sometimes be too critical in wanting to ferret out and correct the flaws. If I see a nail poking out I want to hammer it down.  A loose screw gets tightened, and a squeaky wheel get greased.  I am a fixer.  So remaining silent and overlooking error is a challenge for me.  I've come to the sad realization that most people don't want to be fixed (in either sense, having experienced the physical alternate I can say it is a very painful procedure).  

In this sense I must again rely on the strength of the chameleon, silent, stealthy and still - discretion.  Hopefully I can learn to show my true colors as my environment allows and still remain true to myself.  Speaking of such here's another chameleon poem I wrote recently:

Chameleon Child
I am the chameleon, 
the cipher in the room
your ignorance of me 
is my reward, my goal, Your doom.
(should you be an insect 
and my presence not detect).

I am the riddle, the puzzle, the prize
pay heed to my roaming all searching eyes
slow and still...
yet quick as lightning on flies!

So ignore in ignorance, dismiss, despise
I am the child silent thought foolish but wise
in me a rightful guile and guise

Observant and tuned
to all things around me
I can be whatever I'm needed to be
I absorb what I'm in
I become what I see

Hidden from view
a yielding mirror
A chameleon child 
I hope held most dear
embracing with hope
not opposing in fear.


The truth is a touchy thing, sometimes a fearful thing.  My nature is to view things as they are without the need for window dressing.  Most people need the window dressing, the kid gloves, the flattery and niceties that sociability requires.  Strokes for folks.  We all love strokes.  Sometimes the truth is best couched in strokes; contained within humor and ambiguity.  

Speaking of ambiguity, I love hyperbolic words because some of them when taken to extreme encapsulate the negative in a delicious double meaning.  "That's in-credible!" pssst I meant I don't think what you just said is credible.   It's like a host telling an actress about her latest movie, "You were absolutely unbelievable in that role!"  Isn't the whole point of good acting to be believable?  Did the host really not like the performance, but still filled in the need to schmooze.   So ambiguity is a skill if the goal is not to offend.  But if you really mean, "I didn't believe you", shouldn't you just say that, or maybe focus on an element you did like, or else say nothing at all?   Sometimes silence is an honesty all on its own. The space between lines, the void that defines.  Isn't ambiguity a case of avoiding full disclosure, in a sense lying?  I think not when a harsh answer is not sincerely wanted.

Humor can also be great salve to honesty.  Comedians using humor can point out ugly truths in a way that's palatable and consumable.  It's easy to laugh at others, and even ourselves when in the right mood.  It's easy to laugh when the flaws of other people, or the general stupidity of humans is under fire.  This can be done in a direct or indirect way.  It can even be directed straight into the audience onto individuals without offense if skillfully done.  The context of a comedic performance is understood by the audience to lighten up, to laugh and have fun.  In this context we are more at ease laughing at ourselves and lowering our 'correct' views.  Context is important to how comments are perceived and received.

I guess the trick is learning how to communicate with people on their level, with kindness and humor, and mostly love.  I kid because I love.  I love because I'm a kid.  I am brutally honest because I am like a child in respect to saying what I see. I have a tendency to blurt. If you are my large aunt leaning in for a hug, don't be upset when I look at your bulging breasts and say "those things are enormous!"  or "Your dress sure has lots of puckers"  Yes you're fat, but to me, as a child you are so much more than that, you are the aunt who pays attention to me, the aunt that gives me candy and hugs.  Please forgive my need to blurt.  I do love you for so many reasons, even your cushy hugs.

As usual maybe this is best ended with a poem; more about truth, than discretion, but oh well, that's me.

Don't Batter Me With Flattery

When looking at the fatter me
Don't tell me lies with flattery
Like french fries fried all battery
excess soap scum becomes lathery

Punch me in the gut
with the truth of your blows
kick me in the nuts
or bloody my nose
For these are the things that I need the most
just like a skeptic is best scared by a ghost.

Tell me the truth
please tell me no lies
as you sit in your booth
selling battered french fries
I would be wise at this freakish food fair
to move my big thighs and get outta there
Run from the table of lies and despair 

Remember, Integrity = Truth > Comfort.  But sometimes Discretion = Comfort > Truth.