Actually I hate lying, lies, and liars. I despise deception. And I should note the obvious - Like everyone else, I'm guilty of all the above.
Nevertheless, I strive to be honest and painfully so. The problem this can create is that via projection bias I assume other people want to enjoy my pain, and the pain of my painful truths, or endure the whacked out world of my euphoric glory story. Sometimes I am direct and candid to a flaw. The better statement would be "Ask me no questions and I'll not tell you the stuff you can't handle". I know this sounds a bit arrogant, but because I am able to hold such a diversity of contradictory ideas and opinions together, discovering and skimming off the dross, while saving the steel within my red hot fired furnace of flaming focus, I will inevitably offend someone in conversation if it's in their nature to be offended or be put off.
Sometimes when I can manage discretion I pretend to not know the answer, or do not delve deeper when in actuality my thinking and feeling goes much deeper than I let on, that is when centered. When I'm manic discretion goes right out the window as I become hyper talkative and share every crazy thought in my head. This is when I most need to practice the art of discretion, and this is when it is most difficult.
So the big question here to ponder here in my quest not to lie, or deceive is, "When is withholding information lying?".
In my judgment, discretion is deception when you soften or deflect the truth to make things (usually regarding yourself) appear better than they really are by not revealing possibly damning information, or information that makes you look weak or at fault. You are not forthright in telling all because doing so might hurt your cause, or your self interests. This stopping short of full disclosure when asked is lying. You are not protecting anyone but yourself and your own self interests. But just how much do we need disclose about ourselves? Do I really need to be so forthright in telling people of my bi-polar illness? Do people really need or care to hear your every flaw? I think not, unless it is applicable to the situation or conversation and pertinent. Ideally we would all be open books and forthright. Comfortable in our own skins and our own challenges. I think this would help us all have more compassion and realize that everyone's dealing with their own unique bag of problems and challenges.
That said, it's not your place to share information about others that they have confided in you. Discretion employed with privileged information about other people is not lying, it's gossip, unless under oath. Keeping your mouth shut on sensitive information about another person that the person would not want shared is not lying. This is truly discretion.
Sometimes we practice discretion so as not to spoil the surprise. Sometimes in order to really understand something people, especially kids, need to go through a problem themselves without being told the answer. Telling all without allowing the student to question and seek is intrusive to the learning process, and may short circuit another person's curiosity and subsequent joy of discovery - like revealing a plot to someone who hasn't finished the movie.
This buzz kill could be one scenario, but more often I've found that some of my sharing only leads to disagreement and dismissal. Everyone is watching their own movie. This is were discretion is best employed, when people seriously don't want to know. This is another case where I think that discretion is not lying ... you've really not been asked the earnest question. I feel this way every week when attending a church I know is blatantly wrong in all of its foundational stories - putting its best foot forward to an extreme it is a case of not telling the whole truth. It is blatant decception. How ironic is it that the people professing to have all the truth, really have something deeply mired in falsehoods ... but they don't want to hear that, and full disclosure would seriously hurt the church, and likely kill it. But in my opinion a church practicing blatant deception by not disclosing all the facts (good and bad) deserves to die, or at least be seriously reformed.
This creates a dilemma for me - Keeping my mouth shut when people really don't want to hear what I have to say - the truth I've learned about things they hold dear. Being tight lipped and going along as they recite their falsehoods as truth I feel like a hypocrite by giving the impression that I am in silent agreement.
Learning discretion is the lesson I am trying to derive from continuing to attend the church of my upbringing ... the same church which I have dissected and discovered some very ugly truths - the biggest of which is that it is not capital TRUE, but rather contains some truths, these along the line of core values. This reduction of TRUE to truths, along with the ugly discoveries which cause truth shrinkage, are things that most active members faithfully attending meetings have little desire to hear, discuss, or know anything about. People in the church, even my bishop, have actually told me that, in so many words, "Those things might be true but I don't care to discuss them, and have no interest in knowing any more about it". This is likely a case wherein I was insensitive to their actually not seeking information, and more focused on my need to talk about it. But I did feel that I had valid concerns that I should have been able to discuss with my Bishop when I went to him for his counsel on how to navigate church meetings without feeling like a fraud. He basically shut down the conversation because what I was saying was uncomfortable for him.
So I've decided to make my attendance at church a learning exercise in discretion. Go along to get along, and keep it zipped. Maybe insert a mild inoffensive but informational fact here and there to broaden the discussion. But going along silent and smiling feels complicit. In my digging and discovery at first I was charged, "Everyone should know this!" Now I've settled down and realized that they don't want to know. They're blissfully happy where they are. I no longer wish to hurt, or do any damage to the happy delusions of others. Yet I so strongly want to fix them, to correct them. But we must each respect each other's delusions and beliefs. Even if I myself enjoy the hard truth and people who are straight up and tell it to me frank. As such it is really hard to offend me. In my naivety I really had a hard time accepting just how intransigent people are to accepting the truth, or anything outside their truth circle.
When I do feel free to share my take on things some people get very upset and offended. It is not my desire to upset people. But it is also hard to sit silent when my bullshit meter is pegging in the red zone. My silence feels like dishonesty. It feels like hypocrisy. I treasure and safeguard my integrity. My definition of Integrity = Truth > Comfort.
My 'go along and smile' approach can be seen as a deception, especially if others assume that I agree with their ideas and ask me to commit and serve in positions where I would be required to share my views, and even worse adhere to their ideas with which I do not agree.
I'm somewhat a pleaser, agreeable, and like to help others. Yet I also am a bit obsessive about correcting things. I can sometimes be too critical in wanting to ferret out and correct the flaws. If I see a nail poking out I want to hammer it down. A loose screw gets tightened, and a squeaky wheel get greased. I am a fixer. So remaining silent and overlooking error is a challenge for me. I've come to the sad realization that most people don't want to be fixed (in either sense, having experienced the physical alternate I can say it is a very painful procedure).
In this sense I must again rely on the strength of the chameleon, silent, stealthy and still - discretion. Hopefully I can learn to show my true colors as my environment allows and still remain true to myself. Speaking of such here's another chameleon poem I wrote recently:
Chameleon Child
I am the chameleon,
the cipher in the room
your ignorance of me
is my reward, my goal, Your doom.
(should you be an insect
and my presence not detect).
I am the riddle, the puzzle, the prize
pay heed to my roaming all searching eyes
slow and still...
yet quick as lightning on flies!
So ignore in ignorance, dismiss, despise
I am the child silent thought foolish but wise
in me a rightful guile and guise
Observant and tuned
to all things around me
I can be whatever I'm needed to be
I absorb what I'm in
I become what I see
Hidden from view
a yielding mirror
A chameleon child
I hope held most dear
embracing with hope
not opposing in fear.
The truth is a touchy thing, sometimes a fearful thing. My nature is to view things as they are without the need for window dressing. Most people need the window dressing, the kid gloves, the flattery and niceties that sociability requires. Strokes for folks. We all love strokes. Sometimes the truth is best couched in strokes; contained within humor and ambiguity.
Speaking of ambiguity, I love hyperbolic words because some of them when taken to extreme encapsulate the negative in a delicious double meaning. "That's in-credible!" pssst I meant I don't think what you just said is credible. It's like a host telling an actress about her latest movie, "You were absolutely unbelievable in that role!" Isn't the whole point of good acting to be believable? Did the host really not like the performance, but still filled in the need to schmooze. So ambiguity is a skill if the goal is not to offend. But if you really mean, "I didn't believe you", shouldn't you just say that, or maybe focus on an element you did like, or else say nothing at all? Sometimes silence is an honesty all on its own. The space between lines, the void that defines. Isn't ambiguity a case of avoiding full disclosure, in a sense lying? I think not when a harsh answer is not sincerely wanted.
Humor can also be great salve to honesty. Comedians using humor can point out ugly truths in a way that's palatable and consumable. It's easy to laugh at others, and even ourselves when in the right mood. It's easy to laugh when the flaws of other people, or the general stupidity of humans is under fire. This can be done in a direct or indirect way. It can even be directed straight into the audience onto individuals without offense if skillfully done. The context of a comedic performance is understood by the audience to lighten up, to laugh and have fun. In this context we are more at ease laughing at ourselves and lowering our 'correct' views. Context is important to how comments are perceived and received.
I guess the trick is learning how to communicate with people on their level, with kindness and humor, and mostly love. I kid because I love. I love because I'm a kid. I am brutally honest because I am like a child in respect to saying what I see. I have a tendency to blurt. If you are my large aunt leaning in for a hug, don't be upset when I look at your bulging breasts and say "those things are enormous!" or "Your dress sure has lots of puckers" Yes you're fat, but to me, as a child you are so much more than that, you are the aunt who pays attention to me, the aunt that gives me candy and hugs. Please forgive my need to blurt. I do love you for so many reasons, even your cushy hugs.
As usual maybe this is best ended with a poem; more about truth, than discretion, but oh well, that's me.
Don't Batter Me With Flattery
When looking at the fatter me
Don't tell me lies with flattery
Like french fries fried all battery
excess soap scum becomes lathery
Punch me in the gut
with the truth of your blows
kick me in the nuts
or bloody my nose
For these are the things that I need the most
just like a skeptic is best scared by a ghost.
Tell me the truth
please tell me no lies
as you sit in your booth
selling battered french fries
I would be wise at this freakish food fair
to move my big thighs and get outta there
Run from the table of lies and despair
Remember, Integrity = Truth > Comfort. But sometimes Discretion = Comfort > Truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment