This past week, my attention and behavior has been focused on driving... I wish I could say I've been binging on The Cars this week, since it would be so poetic. That was last month. Instead I've been on a Men Without Hats kick (mostly while driving) ... I don't know a good driving segue there, except that wearing hats can cause accidents, at least the really big or dirty ones can ... especially with feathers or flowers that haven't been properly de-bugged. Did I ever tell the story about how a spider fell out of my brother's hat and into his lap while he was driving and he freaked out so hard he got into an accident?
See!
I recently told a friend that he could "drive" at our next weekly coffee conversational encounter, since I feel I'm typically bringing up the conversational talking points, and doing most of the talking. He came prepared to do so, in a more instructional mien than I had envisioned, and I did a terrible job of keeping my hands off the wheel according to his perception of what I meant by driving. Realizing my perceptual error toward the end, signaled by his mild frustration, I asked him to please try again next week ... my bad.
As such social creatures, we are by necessity co-dependent ... Just be careful that those you depend on are dependable, or better said, that your expectation meets their performance ability - i.e. their capability is within your expectations - while cutting the adequate slack we all deserve for not being perfect with each other.
My 'failure' with some of the people I care about is expecting them to be what they are incapable of being. And when I ask and expect of them what they cannot do and be, co-dependency ensues, and soon you are the one to blame for making them do what they did not want to do, or think what they did not want to think - you become the villain when you take their wheel begrudgingly (unasked for). Sometimes we step in to help the wrong way, by taking the wheel, instead of letting them maneuver through it themselves, and only offering guidance when requested.
Many people are active learners, or even self motivated learners, and learn better by doing rather than by watching you jump in and do it for them. Coercion only creates the backfire effect and this coupled with resentment ... even when you are certain that you are right, or feel more enlightened on the topic. If you persist in this you will be seen as egotistical and not open to other views or correction. And especially so when your views are unheeded (seen as necessarily wrong if they contradict the views of the other person). You will only appear as a negative influence against how they perceive what they WANT.
Most importantly, you must first be sure you can depend on your self - Honor The Promises you make to yourself and for yourself (goals), and after that, be there in the "right" way as is age appropriate for those who depend on you - especially your children - first. If this post will bear a flying reference, I like the emergency air mask demonstration, where you are told to take care of yourself first, so that you may better take care of others around you. If you are intact, no one can do you as well as you do you, and you can then do so much better with the ones you love. When you are enough for you, it doesn't really matter what others do. However, and here's the magic, you will be more than enough for every one you encounter, and equipped to bear and forbear ... and loaded for bears of any dimension (Cue- The Revenant).
Like in the story of Goldilocks, you will learn to measure yourself so that you are "Just Right" in the measure you meet upon them (the bears ... and little thieving golden haired girls). Just like our Goldilocks Sun which shines on our Goldilocks Planet, you will shine and grant life to others to live what they believe (at the moment) more fully, and in doing so make their own discoveries. We all enjoy a challenge. People, by their very nature, want to claim all (or most) of the glory (the wins) for their own lives, and blame all (or most) of their defeats (losses) on extenuating and external circumstances. Just talk to any sport's fan after a game and find that out. Losers typically blame the refs - the judges, the coaches, the quarterbacks recent injury, certain stupid (pivotal) plays made by others on "their" team.
As such, steer clear of being anyone's extenuation, or scape-goat ... even your own. Everything that happens to you, you may not choose, but you do choose how to frame it retrospectively.
Feel free to frame yourself beautiful, and when necessary, frame with blame to claim yourself without shaming yourself ... and move on to a better picture of who you WANT to be, the ideal self you see every time you look in the mirror and examine the contents of your psyche, especially when putting appearances in the back seat (or if you really love them you can let them ride up front... just as long as they're not driving! Narcissists make bad life drivers, e.g. cutting people off, and getting ahead of the conversation.).
I am soon gone from social media, at least in my current form, IF my goal of extinguishing my coercive 'public' self can be realized (Coercive = trying to tell people how to think and be). Doing my own inventory I see that I cannot interact with certain others in my cloistered community (Utah, and the Religious Right in general) without sharing myself in a way that threatens who and what they are. And my interactions within this group of people and with this approach were not generally helpful. I think I was doing more harm than good.
An "epiphany in the parking lot" at a store that coincidentally carries the name of my Grandfather showed me the way ... now to be brave enough to follow it. I will continue posting my stuff here, since this is my cave and these are my walls, but my presence on social media will be reduced to hearts and kittens and shiny objects ... and maybe some cool science stuff. I will also keep a "Journal" of eventful things during my days that I want to store and remember.
Parking Lot Epiphany - If you tell people how to do and be you are taking away their choice of what they want (coercion), and inserting yourself in their path. If people follow you and "sacrifice" themselves for your ideas you are now complicit in their acts and tied to them, and when things go badly guess who gets the blame? People foremost want to be free to choose what they want. Let them choose without inflicting the guilt or shame of being wrong, or the necessity of choosing you or your ideas. In a world of a million acceptable choices and 7+ billion perceptions, people don't have to want what you want, or choose what you choose. Vive la différence! You are not their judge, nor jury. You are their friend. If you continue inserting your views into and onto their path you must now walk it with them when they try to do what you expect or ask of them against their true will or wishes, especially if you are doing it wrong and making it worse. Even when what they are doing is within their wishes, inserting yourself (your judgment) only makes you an accessory to be blamed when things go "wrong", and it feels like you are taking the wheel - when you do, you are robbing them of the joy they could have felt by doing it themselves, especially when the interloper is high on correction (Told Ya Sos) and low on support and encouragement. By placing your judgment on others you can sometimes implicate yourself in their outcomes, or fix yourself in the mirror of the judgment you pass (Matthew 7:1-3).
The problem with being someone's Guru is the expectation (theirs or yours) that you can fix them. You cannot fix someone who won't be fixed, and it's an ordeal sometimes even when they appear willing (just ask my coffee friend). Also, the idea of being "fixed" usually comes across the mind of independent thinkers as being spayed or neutered. Which is an apt metaphor, since you remove their ability to create life - their life.
If you truly love someone you must have the strength to stand back and let them drive, and if you ride along, make yourself the perfect passenger ...without critical comment, correction, or care about where they are going, and how they choose to get there, as long as everyone is safe ... and as a parent you must have the strength to not allow your children to drive your car for the rest of their lives, or be driven by you. At some point they must get their own car and learn to drive it and care for it themselves, and you must only love their vehicle (freedom), where they choose to go in it, and comfort them and encourage them (mostly with love, minimally with money) when they feel lost or defeated in dead ends. Otherwise you will create some nasty co-dependence which doesn't really work for either party.
You can be driven without driving others.
This is within my goal to live my life with grace, and graciousness - not spreading judgement or shame, as is so human. Before my religion became such a prominent issue in my life, when it all imploded, I was a very easy going person, who found ease and much delight in simply going with the flow ... and flow states are so awesome!
Besides, if Men Without Hats are to be believed, I Don't Want to be a Messiah, Messiahs Die Young
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8wZWyOaZrA
