Pulling Pithy Punches, and Pontificative Palaver

If you Facebook or participate in any other social sharing medium, you'll likely notice that getting a handful of pithy (oft pictured) quotes in your feed is a pretty common occurrence.  In my observation, these short pithy statements are often more fluff than pith, needing clarification, and/or correction. A lot of them just sound good, and that's all the poster was after, sharing "Warm Feel-good Fuzzies".  Which is fine; most of us love that stuff - Share Away!  However, a lot of things in life are complex and multifaceted, requiring clarification and context ... But, approaching feel good fuzzy ideas this way spoils the punch. We love to punch our pith in other people's faces (FaceBook feeds) and feel thoughtful, wise, and deep. And, we hate it when our punches are blocked or countered in any way.   People predominantly prefer to be posters posting pithy posters, and leave it at that.

I've experienced this phenomenon quite a bit.  Someone posts a picture with a nice feel good, or deep thought, and that's usually where the activity ends. Lot's of likes, and maybe a few brief affirmative comments, but should you try and dissect it, add clarification, or even pose a question, you usually get no response, and if so, the response is directed to reassure the poster of the "pithy poster".  So typically the poster punches their pithy poster and pulls out.  Any analytical additions are an avoided affront.

Stupid me, I assume that if someone's sharing deep thoughts, they've actually thought about those thoughts, and might enjoy some discussion on them.  Nope! - not typically.  This leads me to believe that they probably came across a nice thought that resonated somehow with them and they want to pass on the love or insight.  They don't want discussion, analysis, or debate ... and interpret even the slightest of these as a challenge, as a block to their perfect pith punch.  Like Cheech and his peach, they just want you to get it, hold it, and admire it.

For me, I like a good block or punch in the face - they teach me to better place my punches, and to move my face.  Pith is nice, and indeed as the chatterbox Polonius noted, "brevity is the soul of wit. And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes." (I also like, "sole" as it lends another nuance of interpretation).  

It is a very difficult thing, nigh impossible, to capture an idea completely in pith.  Most pith needs punching and pushback to flesh it out, adding refinement and correction.  This is why I punch the pith, at least I think it's the reason, not to harangue my friends on the Internet, but to interact with them on some meaningful discussion.  It's fun for me to banter ideas, light sparring, or even passionate debate, (although I'm cautious to not fall blindly in love with ideas).

The hardest people to share the kool-aid with (the punch) are those who won't even get in the ring, or when they do, aren't even in the same ring (but think they are ... maybe I need to jump rings).  It needs be said here, that I'm speaking of the friendly sparring of discourse, not the violent fighting of argument.

Arguing with someone is like pouring Krazy Glue on their opinions. Acetone springs internal.

As evidenced by this entire blog, most of my sparring with ideas is done with myself ... maybe as it should be.  Sometimes I think so much (ad nauseam) that I find it best to simply think to myself. Conversing (thinking) deeply with others becomes, to them, tedious and exhausting - it's taxing. It's tiresome to have to think so hard and be on your toes in a conversation, or to hear others
pontificate, or challenge your ideas, or continue playing with an idea when you're ready to move on.  Most of us prefer casual over the fence or backyard conversations, with shades and lemonades. You know, the leisurely superficial conversations best enjoyed by the under utilized brains of flabby fatheads (I jest), or enjoyed as a respite from a day of too much thinking.  In either case, a whistle blowing, get down and give me twenty, calisthenical conversationalist, or a match of mental gymnastics is unwelcome.

Another tedium of which I'm guilty is my need to include multiple words to express an idea, because I feel doing so better captures the nuance, or better encompasses the wholeness of an idea ... but I know this can seem irksome to people - like you're trying to clarify their "misinterpreted" reading/hearing, or facilitate their poor vocabulary, or insinuating that they have one.  All this to them may feel like you assuming their lack of intellect.  Wordiness may also be a sign of someone trying to master their language.  I'm all in favor of someone plying and wielding a new word in a conversation, no matter what the intent or how overstuffed.

Maybe I'm forced to resort to my own head, or this safe silent blog in the BloatO'Sphere, because I usually have too much to say on a topic or approach it too seriously, attempting to cover all my bases.
People usually eschew ponderous, pontificative, palaver.  Besides, answering and covering all the angles and questions is the best way to have a one sided conversation. If you relentlessly try to cover your bases it makes it very difficult for someone to enjoy any level of contribution that feels good, the joy of making a point, to knock one out of the park or steal home plate. Others won't want to play with you if you always catch their balls or tag them out.  It's just not fun to never win or advance an idea.  Not saying I can play a shutout, but my dogged pursuit of accurate ideas might seem like I'm always trying to "win".

No one likes a know-it-all. Even if you know it all (or think you do), shut up a little and let someone else have the joy of knowing something (or thinking they do). This is conversational grace.

If you are continually giving clarification, correction or advice, even with reflective intent, and even when solicited, you may still look like a negative pontificating prick.  Often that pontificated is more for the speaker than for the audience, and is interpreted by the listener as egotistic ostentatious palaver.

If learning is best done by teaching, maybe someone who gives a lot of instruction or advice is simply trying to learn, reinforce, or refine what they know.  I realize that which I say, or express to others is first and best said to myself.  The observance of a thing is best experienced by the expression of it.  If you can't teach it simply than you really don't understand it.  But much of life is so intricate, complex, and beautiful, that it becomes a paradox of putting words to the ineffable, a paradox that is still worth pursuit. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then it may take a thousand words to paint a picture.  To me, in that sense, words are just another form of artistic expression.  To others this act of painting may be a prolix put off.

Most of the crap I spew or pontificate about is extracted from the bowels of my own experience, and is primarily judgment I've digested inwardly for my own benefit ... it's really not about you. 

Much of what I say and think are attempts to refine and capture accurately the truth of an idea.  I feel that sound ideas make for sound behavior.  Maybe that sounding simple is simply sound (and very deep).  As for putting it simply, that's fine, but it necessarily misses the nuances of an idea, and fails to represent it completely, becoming prone to being a pithy fluff statement.  I like examining an idea from every angle, coming up with connections, examples, metaphors, alternate ways to say it, the nuance held in synonyms that we lump together as meaning the same thing.  Like said, I think this over-fascination with shapes and ideas is seen as a tedious surfeit of intellectual activity - thinking too much or too hard.  Maybe I'm a babe playing with shapes and seeing how they fit and interact, when the adults in the room have already been there, done that.  If so, a pat on the head and an encouraging lilt of approving words is that best given ... also check my pants every so often (I tend to push metaphor to the absurd as well).

With the use of metaphor and big words the message is often missed.  Most people get simile, and to some extent irony/sarcasm, but have little attention or ability for nuance, ambiguity, double meaning, degree, or layers. But I hate to "dumb it down" by staying on the surface.  I also hate having to spell out what I've said, but it sometimes feels necessary to clarify or communicate the message.  Maybe others hate that too. I think metaphor, allegory, simile, etc. help paint a better picture, but can only go as deep as the listener is able.  Aesop was wise to put precept to fable.

But Metaphor and its like can also be overdone, losing the main idea. In this sense the use of metaphor and big words only becomes efficient in conversations when used judiciously.  It enriches when ramped up with more intelligent people, and becomes inefficient within general conversation, or conversations with dummies (we're all "dummies" on a spectrum).  If the message is missed you now have to repeat it; missed messages are ineffectual and inefficient, and as such, counter productive.

I think conversationally that things are best expressed and explored in depth and by trying to cover all the bases. But, maybe I just need to be sure we're both playing at the same game, and behave accordingly; not everyone is a fan of baseball ... ping-pong anyone?

Bananas & Beer Goggles - Manic Me

In a previous blog I wrote about Managing Mood Without Drugs.  

In it I listed some of the things a person could DO, to improve (or ground) their mood.  I was mostly speaking to depression, but some of the items there work just as well for Mania.  Although I intend to focus here on my tools for mania, some of the stuff here works for depression just as well.

Most especially, I want to focus on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  I've never been through CBT, and haven't studied it closely, so this is a layman's, "hands on", "grain of salt" perspective.  CBT is the overall shell of much that I shared in my previous post on mood and drugs. CBT is a combination of knowing things and doing things.  

I hate it when someone says, "do this",  i.e. "Just Do It".  It sounds nice, and powerful, but most people need more information to "Do It" than "Just Do It.". To some degree we certainly learn by doing, but we learn better and more efficiently when armed with information. So here is my effort to expand on my "do it" statements within that previous post, and from the manic side.

WRITE IT DOWN - GET IT OUT: Because I'm hypo-manic right now, organizing my thoughts and expressing them cohesively is a challenge. I'll try to organize all this and keep it as short as possible

Here's my first pithy tip: When in a whirling wild blizzard of thoughts stake your ground; write them down.

When I start going hypo, I carry a paper and pencil everywhere, and write thoughts as they come. Each one comes so fast that I don't have time to really delve into it before another one comes - everything is so tangential, so connected, so deep. I've found it good practice to tag the thought with as few short mnemonics as possible to capture what I want to write later.  These are usually metaphors, and tagged with initialism ordered as most memorable, e.g.  BTC = Bugs Tripping Camels.  This becomes more salient if your thoughts are about any of those things (e.g. Strain at a gnat and swallow a camel), and especially helpful mentally if I don't have a way to record it at the moment. If I have pen and paper with me I can usually jot down more defining words to better approach the "inspiration", before the next one comes.

Everything seems so important, so connected, so related, so meaningful, beautiful, and deep.  Once you settle down a bit you might realize maybe some of them weren't all that.  When hypo-manic I'm wearing huge beer goggle telescopes. My head is so full that I need to get it out. Like a loving drunk, I want everyone to know my inner thoughts and share the love.  It's like drinking too much beer and really having to pee.  

I remember a somewhat recent long trip back from Evanston to Salt Lake.  I'd had a lot to drink, but not drunk mind you.  My sister in law was driving my sister and me in her car.  I stupidly forgot to pee before leaving and was too embarrassed to have her stop and let me go on the side of the road, or even to ask her to visit a rest stop (I don't remember even seeing one).  So I held it all the way back to my house - It hurt so badly I thought I was going to die!   

This is how it feels to have a head full of thoughts, very salient thoughts, lots of pressure bulging and bursting.  If you have manic or depressive tendencies, bottling up your thoughts and feelings too tightly, and for too long will hurt you.  All that said ....

FIGHT THE URGE TO SHARE OPENLY WITH EVERYONE:
One of the signs of mania is Pressure Talking.  You are very verbal, and see very deep, connected, and meaningful things in what others may see as either mundane, not worth dwelling on, and, "So what everyone knows that.".  You want to share the gold you've found at the end of the rainbow.  The gold no one thinks is real or obtainable.  If you share and people don't "get it", or pay your observations proper respect, you will feel frustrated and upset.  This only serves to fuel the fire.  The thing to realize is this - you are in a space that cannot be communicated to other people.  No matter how you try, you can only come close to describing the experience and the mindset.  Most people do not experience joy and the profound at this level, unless they've done some psychoactive drugs, but even then their experience depends on their set and setting.  You have a set that gets you here.  I haven't done psychoactive drugs, but hearing some people talk about their experiences (like Ecstasy, LSD, Mushrooms, and DMT) I get a sense of similarity. Fight the urge to share the joy and take people with you - sadly they cannot come, and you cannot convey. Discretion will protect you from scaring the hell out of them, and getting yourself committed.

GOD'S SPIGOT When I'm hypo-manic (even manic) it feels like reaching out into the universe, touching it with both hands and connecting, plucking out some tiny bits of information, which all lead to other bits.  I don't really 'own' it, it's just out there for the taking. Once I hold it enough to real-ize it, it becomes a real part of me and my behavior, then I 'own' it in that sense, but I still try to remain detached.  We really don't own information, we just tap into it.  I like to think of it as god's spigot that we tap into and feel the flow... I also have to remember that that spigot is more like a fire hose which will blast my brain if not careful. So most importantly it has a regulating knob. Full blast, it is extremely overwhelming - you cannot grok it all.  It will drive you insane.
  
The best that could be hoped for is a safe and non-confrontational environment to get it all out - there are likely some deep underlying issues as to why you are behaving this way.  But if you share it, most people will judge you too mad or too sad (probably correctly), and you will scare them (very much so if it goes too far, which it usually does).  They will undervalue you and depreciate you which, as said, only adds fuel to the fire.  So...

DO NOT SHARE IT VOCALLY- fight the urge to share, as long as you haven't reached your "dipstick warning level".  People will almost always not understand you, be able to keep up, or grok the depth you are at; you may not understand either.  You may have dived too deeply and recovered precious pearls, or maybe what you think are such.

Here are a few of my thoughts on deep thinking:

If you look closely enough at anything you can find a way to love it (or hate it).  It's not what's in the thing, so much as what is in you.  If you think that what you see is all that the thing is you will misjudge it.  If you hold it too isolated and extreme it will harm you.

One of the greatest mistakes we make is by making things too great. 

Delusion is usually the mind making more of metaphor, or taking ideas too far.

Everywhere I look I can find things to inspire, to help me be better and get better if that is my goal.

If something speaks to you - listen.

My mind is my telescope with which I can see deeply.  What I see depends on the direction I point it and how clearly and deeply I focus out into space.

Manic people usually feel they need to write a book or share something profound with the world in some way.  Many manics (myself included) feel an uncontrollable need to write.  I think this is the best kind of therapy that you can do for yourself - write down and explore your thoughts - try to consider them in a detached way. If you can experience your thoughts in a detached and observant state of mind, and that mixed with love not fear, you will make progress. Try to consider the flip-sides - and give them their due.

It's natural to ignore or miss the flip side, because by definition it contradicts our ideas, but your ideas and perception won't be complete without doing so.  Learn to flip yourself off.  

If you feel the urge to write a book, keep this tightly in mind; you are not writing a book for everyone - you're writing a book for your self.

People with BiPolar (and depression) are typically under and over estimators.  If you are depressed you need to learn to moderate your thinking too. Each extreme side in isolation is addictive and self reinforcing. I am especially prone to overestimating.  I've never done drugs, but I've been very high (and very low). You are a thought addict, just like drug, food, and sex addicts. It's quite obvious that mania is a delusional state, but so too is depression.

The world is certainly beautiful, but it is also full of crap, especially if you pay attention to the news, or suffer from depression.  I've heard it said that pessimists (depressives) typically have a more accurate read on reality, but optimists have happier and more productive lives. Optimism may not be as accurate, but it is certainly more pragmatic and useful. When you believe there is no point or purpose in life, when you embrace nihilism, and accept the notions that there is no freewill, limited parental influence, no god, etc. these ideas tend to let the air out of your happy balloon.  Although they may be true (or highly appear to be true by some of the most educated people); they do not help; they do not ameliorate anything. They make things worse if you believe them, thus really making things worse. They become even more worse when more people believe them. Ideas can create action and "reality". Look for an ideology that is helpful, and that brings out your best self. In this world of gravity everybody has to stand somewhere; make sure you are standing in a place that is best for you, a place that brings you the most balance and joy.

ARM YOURSELF WITH INFO:
Arm your mind with balance.  Seek that which balances your current mental state. Focus on the flip side. Learn to flip your self off.   

The first step toward learning this is to learn a proper vocabulary that lends better balance and clarity to ideas, and a more accurate categorization and assessment of things: 

Word Traps become Thinking Traps

It is also very useful to know as many tools you can use to adjust it within proper ranges as contained in the link I shared at the top of this post: Managing Mood without Drugs

PHYSICALLY CHANNEL IT:
I like to think of my mania as a wild powerful horse - A beautiful white stallion that is my friend who only comes around occasionally.  Most the time I'm walking slowly on my way, or have stopped to rest in some warm dark cave.  This beautiful horse is such a wonderful sight to see again.  She is fast, and gives an exhilarating to ride.  The problem is that I need to learn to better ride her.  I need to get some tack and saddle.  When I first encountered her I was riding her bareback, and I went wild, fast and free ... and fell off in some terrible accidents.  I'm learning to bridle and saddle my horse.  To fight its urge and mine to run so fast.  To fight my urge to kick it too much and push it so far that I hurt or kill it. As you can see, much if what I see is symbolic, abstract, metaphorical, archetypes... It can get really twisted when you take these "messages" as literal and try to apply them in the now, in real life.

Harnessing and taming the horse was the best discovery of early man. My hypo-horse is the best discovery of mine, (at least as I see it).  I need to treat it as a gentle master would; maybe then it will come around more often for a nice beautiful relaxing ride. As I ride, I also hope to learn to keep it mostly on the reservation.

You can harness and channel it by doing something tangential to the main stream of thought. When hypo-manic you've got a lot of motivation and energy. Along with keeping notes and writing stuff down, pick a physical task, (e.g. cleaning, running, working out, a special project, a hobby). Whatever it is, do something; pursue whatever your productive interest is at the moment.  If depressed try to find someone who understands to talk it out.  Write about your sadness and try to get to the bottom of it, the real issues causing you pain.  There's a thorn somewhere - get it out.  

Listed here are some typical thorny issues:
Relationships/Family
Hanging on to Loss
Religion, Faith Crisis
Extreme or magical thinking warping your ideas
Immaturity/Naivete
Unrealistic Expectations
Poor organizational habits, no routine
Self esteem too low or too high
Language <--> thinking errors

DON'T BE AFRAID TO LOSE IT:
Believe it or not, there's a fear of loss with depression; it's a thought addiction, for some reason you are wallowing in it. Much of my mania is driven by my fear of losing the magic. This causes me to resist help, sleep, and drugs to calm it down.  I'm afraid those things will kill it. I now have confidence that with the right efforts I can tap back into it when I wish. Hopefully in a controlled flow state. This confidence of not losing it has helped me greatly in letting it go, and getting it back. Here's a little poem (Written extemporaneously):

Fluid Fleeing Fleeting Thoughts

When I've got a fleeting fleeing thought
it goes and goes and goes.
I hurry so to keep up and keep it up, 
getting lost amidst its throes and flows.
But when in quiet peace, restfully reposed
Its soft light alights back on my nose.
So don't fuss and fret my neural net
to capture all things that flit and fly.
These thoughts are still there, so don't despair
You'll find them when you ply, pry, try.

TREAT IT:
In my experience, drugs administered to treat my mania felt a lot like putting a hood over my head, and stabbing a sap collector into my body that drained my energy. As typical, I resisted, thinking I could manage and control it without drugs. Maybe in some sense I could in my current state, but this energy left unbridled will usually run amok.  Since I had a terrible history of being so out of control, the people wanting to help me are prone to step in and knock me out before I feel help is really needed.  They want to nip it in the bud before it can fully bloom. While this is a good fix, it doesn't stop the plant from growing new buds.  Over treating with drugs only covers up the flowering plant from the light making it turn sickly pale and wither. The sickly seeds are merely planted in the ground to emerge again at some later date. These things, although required in an emergency, don't allow me to get to the root and find a place of balance that works for me. It doesn't allow me enough experience with it to learn to manage it. I think that a person should be allowed the space needed to work it out while they're still somewhat rational, and they and others around them should know the warning signs and how to check their dipstick to see when it's time to change the oil.

For me, my dipstick marks are:
Level 1-  Becoming more social, Writing a lot, More productive and motivated. More scheduled.  

Level 2 - Noticeable change in sleeping habits, staying up later, insomnia, sleeping 5-6 hours. Gregarious. Speaking a lot in rhymes, simile and metaphor. Smiling a lot and finding humor in things.

Level 3- Obsessing too much about things I can't know - the unknowable. Talking a lot and with certainty - I KNOW.  Sleeping very little, repeated nights of 3-5 hours. Feeling a great pressure or importance to help people, to share the magic and the profound.

Level 4 - Delusions of grandeur - Thinking I AM god, or Christ, or someone powerful or famous.  Seeing divinity in others and exploring profound secrets. Very little sleep (2-3 hours),  if any.

These are ranked in seriousness from 1-4. At a certain point, as these things present, my wife and I know it is getting near the time to seriously medicate If/when I start hitting level 3, it's definitely time.  She tends to want to medicate too soon - Level 1-2, which is completely understandable, I tend to want to medicate too late - Level 4.  We have arrived at this dipstick agreement of level 3. Both parties clearly identifying and knowing the safe zone and the edge of trouble.  I have learned to trust her judgement.  She is my safety net.  Everyone suffering thought addiction needs a sponsor.

At ANY point don't be afraid to treat it.  Start first with mild drugs to regulate your energy (when in mild states).

Mild Depression = Mild Stimulants, Coffee, Tea, Energy drinks

Hypo-Mania = Mild Depressants, Beer, Wine, Melatonin or Sleeping pills.

As always, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Find a good doctor. When you're on the wild trapeze you need a good safety net and rigging.  Work with your doctor to find a drug(s) which works for you, and maybe even a backup drug for those severe cases when things are spiraling.


We are all Bipolar in some degree - most people experience swings of mood within a normal functional range.  The ones we notice are the people who swing too far, or get stuck at extremes.  They swing so widely because they feel and sense so deeply.  They may be oversensitive people. They have a hard time keeping it in the middle range.  Their sensitivity and depth makes each side so attractive.  Like crazy gibbons, "We are things that swing at death defying heights"  A little swing keeps things fun and interesting, but too much will make you sick, or get you seriously hurt.

Be Happy, and find your middle ... sometimes this takes a lot of navel gazing.

Kicking the Pricks and Picking the Cherries

This is a formal apology to all my LDS friends and family.  I love you, I love the church and the good things I've extracted from it.  In some posts within this blog I have shared my crown of thorns about the church, the things that really hurt me deeply when I found out about real issues and thorny problems.  I have read extensively on church history, and doing so really opened my eyes. It's certainly not all I was being told.  I felt lied to, deceived, and angry. These things hurt to know because I was so attached to the church, and it felt so much like a part of me.  I went through all the stages of grief.  It was like experiencing the loss of a loved one - a child, the child in me.  I feel that now I've reached the final stage of grief - acceptance, and peace.  I feel a need to apologize to anyone I may have offended in this horrible journey out.  I am at peace now and very happy.

When still an active and true blue mormon (TBM) I took the teachings of the church to their logical conclusion and doing so drove me mad.   I was reading the scriptures fervently and praying frequently.  I was under a lot of stress both from church callings and my career. As my mind slipped into inspirations and revelations it all matched perfectly that contained in scripture and what the church itself taught, e.g., personal revelations and heavenly visitations.  It felt like a conduit was shooting from the top of my head straight into the heavens.  I felt so connected to god and all the glory. God was my trigger, and I pulled it, and kept pulling it, landing me in the psych ward three times in one year at the age of thirty-four.  It took me some time to accept that it was merely mental illness because it felt so powerful, so authentic, so much like I had always been told the "gifts of the spirit" were like.  Once accepted as mental misfires the church became an enemy to my mental health.  I stayed away from church for many years.  At some point I became curious to know the history of the church.  This started the fascinating trail of many books on the subject, which uncovered much of the unsavory stuff the church does not address.

Before finding out about my religion, I had experienced other very jolting incidents of deceit and betrayal, and this felt like the same thing all over again in spades.  It was simply too much to bear.  I struggled.  It took me years to get where I am now.  I went through some denial at stages, trying to find the good, trying to salvage and resurrect the church, just like I tried in those past bad experiences to salvage something in them and from them, and I failed pretty much to the same degree. 

So the bell had been rung and the cat was out of the bag.  I was angry at Joseph Smith, and trying hard to find anything redeemable there - I did.  There are some passages of scripture that seem to be inspired, and if not so, wisely noticed and borrowed - he was a very smart and creative man.  He was a great remixer and synthesizer of ideas. These few things he "revealed" are still true and resonate with me, but there was also a lot of deception and selfishness with him.  I do think he had a gift, but it was tainted by his impure desires.  I struggled with loving him the most - but I do ... now I do.  I feel I know him quite well - he was a scoundrel, with an egotistic love for people, and on some level he was really trying to do good, and help others in love for them, but at the same time looking to vaunt himself and make money off "his" church. No one is a perfect vessel - it's just so weird if the lord chose him.  Maybe he did in some really weird way.  As Joseph said himself, God works by weak and small things.  I believe that Joseph Smith was an inspired man.  I'll leave it at that.

Like I said, some of the things he presented as revelation have really resonated with me, and I carry them forward.  The LDS church, although fraught with error and deceit, was a great springboard for my life.  I think of the church now as aging parents whom one visits occasionally on weekends. They had issues of their own to deal with.  They were never out to be mean, or do their children harm.  They were just a little clueless, carrying on the errors and issues heaped upon them, but hey - aren't we all in some degree?  

I am not LDS by most people's definition of that word - I am not. I am more than LDS now. I am SuperLDS. The church did a good job raising me, and I love it for that, this is it's "all good" when I step in for a visit. I still consider myself of LDS heritage,  just like I still consider myself a HILL and the child of my parents ... I've just learned a lot of things about both that have taught me (when taken correctly) to be a better person ... both the bad stuff and the good - It's all good, but not TRUE shouted from the heavens.  It's merely true, spoken in a whisper. I was There (+), then There (-) and Back again many times.  Now I'm in the middle.  Many will interpret this as a fence sitting; butt sometimes you need to sit on the fence and tolerate the sharp uncomfortable pickets in your ass to hold onto what's true. I'm "back" my friends, but I have to be authentic and be back in my own way, which is a loving way.

I still try to attend somewhat weekly according more to my wife's wishes, or when I feel like it, and when doing so I try to keep the thorns which prick to myself.  I'm done kicking against the pricks and want instead to enjoy the cherries.  I know cherry picking gets a bad rap, but that's what I'm doing, and need to do, trying to still find the good in the church, picking out all the cherries I love, despite all I know.  Coming back and attending was very hard at first.  Initially I was trying to attend and just keep my thorns to myself, fighting the urge to try and knock some sense into people with my dead pruned branches. That was so hard.  I was still angry and naively thought that people needed to know this stuff, and that they'd WANT to know it - the truth, the whole truth about the church.  

This is a church that loves and extols the TRUTH.  I foolishly assumed that the people in it would want the truth above all else.  I was really trying to help others in my clumsy and misguided way. Turns out they didn't want to know it, and had their own bags of issues for why they were attending I'm sure. They had all the truth they needed. They were attending to feel better, to feel uplifted, to put some good back into their harried world. If I truly loved them, I'd shut up and not hurt them by heaping more harriedness into their haven, and in the process being a prick myself.  No one likes to get pricked, especially when the truth hurts.  Sometimes pain is best left unexpressed, especially with those who may be standing in a heap of it blissfully unaware.

In this world of gravity, everyone needs to stand somewhere - you've got to have some kind of ideology.  People are very good at standing within their comfort zone, standing where they want, and seeing it from that perspective; They're standing where they are happiest. It's cruel (and oft pointless) to try and force them to move. Wherever they are, it's working for them. I've learned to leave them be (thanks mostly to a very good friend, Tony B), just like one of my favorite moments in shallow Hal:

Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

So I've learned to tend my own cherry tree, prune the misguided or dead branches, and keep the cherries, especially the best cherries. And I've learned, or am learning, to share the cherries, not the dead branches, and not the thorns.  I can't imagine ever considering myself LDS again in the current mode of being LDS, I am atypical LDS.  I am SuperLDS. I have no wish to go back to being that guy with glasses going "incognito"  (yeah right superman, anyone with a brain in their skull knew it was you),  just like I have no wish to go back home and live with my parents.  But just like them, I'm glad of the things the church taught me, and I still love those good things.

I'll try to keep my mouth shut about the branches I've pruned, and the thorns which stuck me (and continue sticking me during visits), maybe not, hopefully so.  

I will certainly be open to talk to anyone who in the painful transition, or who is genuinely seeking the truth in earnest desire to help their tree bear more fruit, or better fruit, no matter how hard it is to hear.  This is what I deem as true integrity - Truth being greater than comfort.  But that kind of integrity has its price - you have to leave your comfort zone, and a few of the things you love.  I have no need to attend any other church, nor any church at all for that matter.    But I still attend because I love my wife and the people there, and there is truth (small letter truth) in the church, and more than any other in my opinion, but there are also a lot of thorns getting in the way of that truth.  I can deal with thorns - Christ did, so can I.

The world and the universe are my church now, and have been for some time, and I ponder them both often. I have found god, and recovered Christ to some degree, because I never gave up, even when they were both a shrinking glint on the horizon of hope. I sought god sincerely with fervor, passion and pure intent, and an intense desire to know what god knew, or at least what I needed to know (I'm very curious).  The things I was shown from this sincerity and earnestness, driven by constant nagging, opened the floodgates and drove me mad. I kept sincerely asking god to know who or what god was, to know if god was there, and each time god would show "himself" to me in fulness as best as I could grok it.  It was so vast, so complex, that I couldn't handle it all. I couldn't understand it. With each request and each "visit" it was still too much to take in.  I went manic, full blown off my nut, many times.  But each time, I was able to better handle it, and glean something - a cherry or two.  I'm okay now ( I think), because I have figured it out, everything I needed to know has been shown to me - I'll leave it at that.

I believe in god, I believe in Christ and his message. I believe they ARE, but I don't know exactly what or how they are (my curious mind is still working on that, and I've got some pretty good ideas on the matter). This is what my mania shows me - and it's all good.  It's all wonderful.  Words cannot express the joy I've felt (and the pain).  When my brain-state leans/topples toward the positive I feel very happy and spiritual.  Maybe all religious experience is some degree of manic delusion and wishful thinking.  If were able to choose one or the other I'd definitely choose the positive side ( a moderated positive side).  I'm ready for the joy, the pure unadulterated joy, unvexed by extremes.  If everything is some form of delusion why not choose a happy and functional delusion?

So this is my apology - I'm genuinely sorry.  Maybe it's a bad apology still laced with thorns, but I think it's an honest and authentic apology nonetheless.  So let's pick and share the cherries together ... but don't be offended if you see me discreetly spitting some of yours out into my napkin.  I love you truly.

Word Traps <-> Thinking Traps

Every time to speak is to tell a lie

Intro
Let me tell you right at the outset - this is a subject I am an expert and authority on. I have struggled with bipolar.  I say all this unabashedly and unashamedly.  As I think I have got a pretty god handle on it now.  This topic here, though maybe not a problem with typical thinkers, is a real issue with bipolar illness and people prone to probe deeply.  If your logic is off in the slightest, going deep gets way distorted in the trip.  I personally think everyone can benefit by watching their words, and being careful to use the word that captures the thought they are trying to convey.  However, the information here was crucial to allowing my mind to navigate the data stream experienced during a typical manic episode. It also helps mitigate the occurrence of extreme thinking (and feeling) that is experienced at both poles.

Part of being bipolar is that the language of the mind, the narrative based running script is peppered with hyperbole which is the language of extreme thinking.  I have stepped in a lot of thinking traps, and felt a lot of the pain (and joy) by this. This extreme disease has made me have to really be on my toes, to really think carefully, and to be very observant of contradictions, and exceptions.  I am a deep and sensitive thinker and feeler; this is not just a brag, as it has terrible downsides - Bipolar illness.  I have needed to examine all my thinking errors to stay out of these traps. Doing this has taught me greatly. I hope to help you avoid them too, if possible, and to better navigate your life in this world of thought and perception.

I think this needs saying at the outset as well: Like everyone, most of the crap I spew or pontificate about is extracted from the bowels of my own experience, and is primarily judgment I've digested inwardly for my own benefit.  If you find it foolish, haughty, egotistical, crazy, etc., please remember ... it's really not about you. Please excuse my conflatulence, if you perceive it as such.

Conflatulation - n. A conflation of the word flatulence and congratulation, and meaning anything that has the sound, smell ,or appearance of being self absorbed or self congratulatory. i.e. loving one's own smell.
n. - conflatulence, conflatulator
v. - conflatulate, conflatulated, conflatulating
adj. - conflatulatory, conflatulative

I thought this was a word of my own concoction, but Googled it and found it was already out there - Butt, let me conflatulate by saying, "I like my definition a whole lot better," 

I also feel the need to make some apologies for some of my previous blog posts if the tone was offensive. I was mad, and I was crazy, and I was crazy mad. I was visionary and looking through the warped glass darkly ... because I had some real issues I was trying to work out.  (My Religion, My Father, Losing my First Love, Losing my beautiful naivete, Lies, Being truly Cheated, My broken Mother broken by her mother, A contradictory God ... ).  Maybe I'll go back and correct them. Maybe I'll leave them just as they are, as they somewhat document my journey.  At this point I feel I need to go forward, not back.   

Nitpicky, Over-analytical?
This topic might seem to get a little particular and picky on words and how we use them to thin, communicate, and express ideas.  By some people's view it might seem like straining at gnats and obsessive.  Language is usually best enjoyed casually.  We can forgive other people's occasional language errors if we get what they mean, but when they are a consistent source of communication breakdown - by either party - it doesn't feel that enjoyable anymore.

I hate conversations which are filled with ambiguities such that I need to constantly stop and ask for clarification.  It is highly inefficient and unenjoyable. Many people overuse nondescript words that confuse rather than clarify what they mean.  A simple replacement of the word "he" said ..., with "Steve" said ..., does wonders when the conversation includes multiple male characters, and no economy is lost. So is this request and focus being uptight?

We love to keep things simple and relaxed.  We love Yes OR No answers, while much in life is Yes AND No, with a lot of May Be along the edges.  Contingencies, contradictions, and exceptions abound. The problem is that our language (and thinking) is binary biased (on or off, yes or no, is or isn't). Our universe, more immediately our world, is analog (a smooth transition of degrees or amounts).

Many words, statements, and ideas contain nuance, layers, and metaphor. I think one of the biggest reasons for fight or friction is from misunderstanding due to poor word choice or differing definitions or associations of a word. Many people have no appreciation for nuance, degree, metaphor, or irony.  A word or phrase can be taken many ways. A word can have multiple definitions, some even contradictory! We miss it when we assume it only in the way we understand it, whether intended that way or not.  This goes for both transmitter and receiver.  The best way to tune both is to tune your words.


"I have plenty to criticize, and I thank you for that."... Ambiguity: Making friends everywhere, since forever.

Be Selective
Your language directs your thinking and your thinking directs your language.  Words are how you express your thoughts, and thoughts are saddled by words.  The better your vocabulary, the better your thoughts and ease at expressing them, and digesting them, the better you can describe and understand the nuance of ideas, and the more ideas you can effectively express.  Don't be afraid to be a word nerd.  Read the dictionary and highlight or extract EVERY word you do not know in a form you can easily reference, then practice them, internalize them, and digest them; use them in your thinking and conversation.  Don't be afraid to use them anywhere as appropriate. Also, have fun with a thesaurus, and look up a word to find all the other linked words, and understand their nuance.  This will help arm you by association to find the best word or words for the idea you are trying to convey.

But be careful too. Don't just use big-ass words to show off (and appear a big-ass).  Use the best word(s) to clarify the message.  It also helps to know your audience, and tailor your words to their understanding, using the jargon of their ideology.  This is called speaking to people in context, on their frequency.  Half of the act of communication is reception.  If you are speaking words outside a person's vocabulary, you are doing it wrong and making it worse.  Don't be afraid to simplify. This is what I like to term putting on my special helmet.

When someone says to me, "That's retarded!", I'm proud of myself for slowing it down enough to where it could be easily understood. It's my special helmet worn against knocks to the head. 

If it really is retarded, i.e. not well communicated, or contaning logical flaws, my head will be protected (won't be seriously insulted), and I'll learn something without serious harm, maybe even have a good laugh.  If it wasn't retarded, I won't be offended (again protecting my head) and simply realize that I didn't say it in a way that was understood. I didn't tailor the message, or understand what I was saying and who I was saying it to; I needed to slow it down, maybe even back up the short bus and listen better to what they were saying.  When I'm heavy on my analytical side I get a bit Asperger's on people, becoming too literal and pedantically formal, and becoming a bit clueless of considering emotions of others and social proprieties, and how what I'm expressing could be perceived as offensive or rude. People absolutely hate being over-corrected, whereas I love it.  It's tedious, I know.

Ease Your Foot Off the Pedal We human beings have a tendency to take things to extremes, and out of context.  Everything happens by degrees and in context.  When we isolate something or one, and try to make it pure and grand, completely corrupt and awful we can err by hyperbole and exaggeration.  One of the greatest mistakes we make is making things too great.  This can be applied to bad things, good things, and mediocre things, and all degrees between.  If you clearly know the context, you will understand to what degree.  Everything has a flip side that is just as valid in proper context. And most extremes are best viewed with detachment.  Extremes do exist, but it is unwise to try and exist in them. Extremes are rare things. Much theological thinking trods this territory, and many theological thinkers are trapped in it - spouting absolute truths without really thinking what that means (another topic), especially in the arena of the unknown and the unknowable.  Most things are relative, needing context and connection, both in time and space.  The whole nature of perception is based on sifting and assessing degrees of information.  We (are brains, our senses, and our perceptions) are differential engines.

Many times we get so entrenched in a particular mode of thinking that we often miss or dismiss the other side of the argument, which consideration could serve to mitigate or relax our current ideas. The most common mode of this behavior is called confirmation bias. Confirmation bias, beside being more typically engaged in toward thinking and considering the things we like to think, can also be applied toward the negative with a pessimistic mindset, where the person confirms the things they don't like about themselves and/or others (Cognitive science shows that this mechanism is reflexive - how you think about yourself determines how you are able to think about others, and vice versa).

It's natural to ignore or miss the flip side, because by definition it contradicts your ideas, but your ideas and perception won't be complete without doing so.  Learn to flip your self off! 

Two Sides To Every Story?Dualism, more specifically binary opposition states that everything has a flip side.  It is the nature of reality - Maybe I should say, seems to me that it's the nature of reality... but I feel this very strongly, and have not yet experienced an idea that did not have a flip side.  The extension of dualism is pluralism, which in my opinion is dualism eating itself - oppositions to oppositions, to the point that we get a smooth spectrum of perspectives, and you can alight anywhere along that line, in a mix of multiple interrelated concepts with which too you are somewhere on the spectrum.

This is where most people err, assuming that their experience is cumulative and conclusive. They see themselves are perfect recording devices of what is, and their set and setting as being a true view that is universal to all minds. They take the theory of mind too far in applying commonality of experience and perception. Mentally ill people, especially BiPolars, but also Depressives, Schizophrenics, paranoids, conspiracy theorists, etc. need to be VERY careful with the words they use to frame a thought, especially on things that cannot be know for sure, things that are unknown, and things that are unknowable.  Each of these is a form of extreme thinking. Jumping to conclusions is part of the pervasive human problem of "being certain on scant data".

Be aware that sometimes a simple declarative statement can be extreme without using contextual, mitigating, or mediating modifiers - "I am (usually) happy (now)"

Real Words in the Real World
So next let's look at some real examples of words that are tricky and trip inducing - prone to make you stumble or miscommunicate reality (as much as we can do so). 

Extreme Words (consider all possible conjugations): These are words that should be used with caution (moderately, or with a modifier to communicate context):
100% or 0% 
Absolutely/Absolutely Not
Always/Never
All/None
Certain/Certainly Not
Everything/Nothing
Is/Is Not
Know/Believe (believe quickly turns into know)
Only
Or (vs. And)
Perfect/Unredeemably Flawed
Pure/Filthy
Right/Wrong
Sure/Surely Not
Yes/No

Mediative Modifiers (there are a ton of these too, here are a few):
Also
Although
Along with
And
Appears (to be)
Apt to
Average or Percent
As (as long as, somewhat like, etc)
Believe (Be careful with this one. It usually needs another modifier since people often use it as a replacement for I know. When I use this word it means things I consider but am not too sure about.  It could also be swapped with imagine in my vocabulary, but many people don't hear it like that, since it's been so heavily abused)
Besides
But
Could be
Except (when/if)
However
If/Then
Maybe
Often
More
Most
Less
Likely
Like (comparison)
Seems
Sometimes
Some
When (e.g. This when that)
While

Let me focus on two of my pet peeves in extreme word pairs, oft spoken by children and some adults (besides "That's not fair" - that's a biggie too), always and never.  I like to grudge match these two heavies in this delicious ironic paradox: Always is never the case and never never happens.  Whenever you use extreme words together, especially opposing words, you are likely to get paradox. Paradox is irony on crack.

For brevity's sake I'll focus on "Always", but never is just as rich.
Always: Look around you, is there anything you can point to that does not change?  If you think so, maybe stretch your mind out longer in time or space.  Always is not found in this universe, anywhere!   All things change; all have a beginning, a middle, and an end, or something to that effect...and every end is a new beginning.  Consider the following graph - It can be applied to a lot of ideas and situations.  Lets apply it to always (the tail of green) and never (the tail of red)  See how they fade to zero?  I think they also wrap back on each other, just like the visual zone of the electromagnetic spectrum (green should have been purple in the graph), and the entire spectrum too I see as circular.

Like said, extreme words when used judiciously, usually require a modifier to add clarification, or a modifier to soften the extremity.  For example:  "I have never seen a leprechaun, therefore leprechauns don't exist" Sounds absolutely right, right? - Wrong!  If you know what a leprechaun is then you've likely seen a depiction of one.  Better put is, "I have never seen a real leprechaun." or "Leprechauns are a wonderful imaginary metaphor."  This may seem like splitting leprechaun hairs, but it still is true (I could write a whole piece on leprechauns and the wonderful metaphor there, but I'll spare you).

Leprechauns, like Rainbows, are elusive things.  If you try to catch either as a reality they will both escape you.  There is no "over the rainbow", or "end of the rainbow"  - but just as those statements, rainbows are real as an idea or metaphor.  Rainbows are best looked at for what they are - a beautiful illusion that's real (or a real thing that's an illusion).  They are a combination of physical things that produce something real; seen but not tangible. Much that we think we see or say using words is a beautiful illusion that we think is real (or an awful one).  We are good at manufacturing stress and drama simply by over amplifying things.

I have a good friend who chides me for being so wrapped up in this world, material things, and material ideas, and trying to figure everything out from all angles, especially my obsession with words, trying to find the perfect word, trying to say things without contradiction, and making so much effort to be correct. He calls it trying to cover all my bases. I think if he were to experience a manic episode he would realize why I am trying so hard to be right. He's right, it can trip you up trying to do everything, watch every gotcha, be perfect ... but it's all worth trying for me since I'm prone to getting stuck in thought traps to the degree that it is a very destructive force in my life, and the life of others. Trust me on this - never stop trying, even if you suck, or are impaired in some way.  Whatever your disability or setback, keep trying.

The Story You Tell
All of us live our lives and form our views by feeding and repeating a running personal narrative - the stories we tell to explain ourselves, our experiences, and others ... even the whole meaning of existence.   In this story, if we're not careful with how it is expressed, we can easily derail into delusion.   I think it's important that we use careful words to tell the story to describe things in the most truthful and accurate way possible.  You cannot escape the story you tell.  The way you explain and narrate your experiences confines you to live it that way.

One last thing, which is problematic and a hell of a lot of fun - double meanings and puns.  Some of the best comedy comes from people misunderstanding each other, or using words and sentences that can be taken two or multiple ways.  I love wordplay, and I often us it to say what I mean without offending people, or giving them the option to take it how they may.  The way they take it tells me a lot about their mindset.  It also tells me a lot on how to talk to them, and their level of understanding.  You have to be sharp to catch a pun, or a twisted meaning.  When I'm manic this is a source of much of my pleasure seeing things and expressions from multiple angles.  This reality makes the following so true:

To speak is to tell a lie - to speak well is to ask forgiveness.

Cheers & Love


=====================================================

We're All Retards, We're All Special.

Many years ago, when I was dating a girl whom I loved dearly (and still do), she frequently told me that I was "Special".  Oversensitive me heard that as an insult.  I didn't want to be special; I wanted to be great.  Special felt like I was being placed in a category outside normal, with special considerations or allowances, like that of competing in the Special Olympics.  Special felt retarded.  I took it as well as I could, and we joked about it, but there was some sting.  I was really taking it wrong, and not how intended.  On the level I knew that, but why was being called 'Special' taken by me as a slur, when it was meant as an endearment?  This caused me to think about my weird bias against the word special.

I know many people are offended by the word "Retard".  It's terribly un-PC to use it.   I'm cool with it. I think it's a perfectly good word.  If you think labeling someone retarded (or special) devalues them, maybe you're the one who just doesn't get it.  Maybe you secretly devalue them, or misconstrue the word, and this stings.  Like I said, a lot of people these days see the term "retard" as one of those off-limit words.  I don't.  I think it's a perfectly apt descriptor.  

If you consider the meaning, it just means slow, or slowed down, or behind the curve.  Any other word used to replace it still suffers from needing to provide a description of the condition, or it becomes somewhat abstruse.  For example, consider the following words from the Global Down Syndrome Foundation:

This makes me wonder why they don't take it another step further and call it Up Syndrome.   Take a minute and compare the words they chose to use with the 1st definition of retarded.  There is little difference.  Even differently-abled admits a lack of normal ability. The avoidance of admitting disability so hard smacks of desperation and a heavy bias against admitting such.  It shows that we are not okay with disability, and THAT is a prejudice all of its own.

Slower is not by definition lesser, that's just the spin we've put on it in a quick paced world where everyone is trying to beat each other. This drive to excel is wonderfully encapsulated in the song Harder, Better, Stronger, Faster, by Daft Punk.  Note that both words of their name, used independently or combined, could be considered a slur.  But they own it, and it's cool.
   
In this sense, maybe the retards are those trying too hard to be cool, running too fast, and suffering a lot of spills, accidents, and head wounds (offenses), people who cannot own up to their shortcomings.  If so, these insults and accidents indicate that they haven't given "retard" its due respect.  People often pretend to more intelligence or ability than they actually possess.  I think it's admirable when someone admits they don't know, fall short, or were wrong.  Sometimes I think we'd benefit greatly if we could just learn to "Slow the frac down!, and shut the frac up!".  If that offends you too, it's a play on the word fracas FFS! (For Fun Sakes, although the other F is fine too, as it's also fun).  All this fracas of offense and telling people what they can or cannot say only adds to the fracas.     

Consider the lyrics of another song:

Depeche Mode - "Slow"

Slow, slow
Slow as you can go
So I can feel all I want to know
Slow, slow
I go with your flow

Let the world keep its carnival pace
I'd prefer to look into your beautiful face
what a waste (wide awake, what a waste = to ignore beauty)

As the stars continue to fly by
I don't have one desire to understand why
I don't try (don't worry about shortcomings or inabilities)

Slow, slow
Slow as you can go
I want my senses to overflow
Slow, slow
and doesn't it show

I don't need a race in my bed (insomnia - worries about the world)
When speed's in my heart and speed's in my head
Instead

It's tempting for fools to rush in
When something's so good why should we rush and fail?
It's a sin

Slow, slow
Slow as you can go
That's how I like it
I like it

We're all retarded (or specially gifted, differently abled) in some way or another.  When we rush to avoid that we fail.  Many shortcomings cannot be overcome. We all fall short too in grasping reality, and in our ultimate understanding.  If there is a god, I'm sure I look a lot like a retard respectively.  As a retard, the best thing I've learned is to be OK with my retardation. There's a lot of stamina in slow. It's okay to be less than best. Taking it slow is sometimes the best way to go... just ask our average Goldilocks Sun.  It's just the right size to produce a slow regulated burn.  It burns slowly enough to give time enough for life to evolve and grow.  It will live a very long and productive life (10 Billion Years!  or so).   


One of my happiest of thoughts is that there is a vast expanse of things I don't know. Ignorance may be bliss, but it's also blissful to realize your ignorance ... especially when realizing that the realization of ignorance is such easy medicine to swallow ... kind of a sweet cherry syrupy taste, or sometimes grape.

We retards are not just slow, we're happy!  We are living in the moment, extremely happy in our blissful  ignorance. We're genuinely happy - maybe really clueless, but we really know how to enjoy life ... Sometimes even sucking the joy out of it for others with our ignorance. Hey we're not perfect!  Some of the happiest, funniest people I've met are "retarded", or "stupid", or maybe just a bit "naive". They don't take themselves or the world so god damned seriously, and they're usually pure pleasure to be around. 

Knowing stuff is a burden best borne by the brash, and best hefted with calloused hands and hardened hearts.  Everything has its place. Knowledge has its price, and first place is not always given to the swift or smartest. Consider that wily slow Tortoise, and that swift overconfident Hare.  If you try to see life as a wonderful game you'll enjoy the journey more than the finish line.

I was a late bloomer, looking younger than most of my peers all the way through my teens, 20s, 30s, & 40s.  I think my age has finally caught me.  I was also late with the onset of bipolar illness, hitting me so very unaware at the ripe old age of 34.  Most who have this disorder manifest it in their late teens.  I laughingly attribute the late onset in my case being due to the fact that I was so slow and naive that I didn't have enough "smarts" to get all tangled up in the nuance and contradictions of thinking too hard about things. Maybe my former girlfriend was right, maybe I was special.

In grade school I remember playing a game where I experienced serious fail and embarrassment in being slow.  I later wrote a poem about this titled Run-Ron-Run.  My third grade teacher, the beautiful Mrs. Olsen whom I had a crush on, took her new batch of students out to the playground lawn to play a game of duck duck goose.  My misfortune was that once tagged I couldn't catch anyone.  My timid nature had kicked in; I was in a new grade at a new school (Carl Sandburg), and I knew very few of my classmates. Non-aggressive in my running (and likely physically impaired too), I couldn't catch anyone, even the the girls, or the fat kids ( I know that's unPC too). I was eventually winded, fell, and passed out on the grass.  When I came to, I saw the sweet face of my teacher and the faces of my grinning, sneering classmates all standing around me in a circle.  How embarrassing! 

Here's the poem:

RUN RON RUN        7-17-98

Run Ron run
You can get it done!
‘Neath the scorching sun
The turtle made to run

Catch them, 
Catch them, 
Catch them if you can
You the prize to win
Peers giggle and grin
On your trip, your knees to skin

A rotating flip 
head to chin to head
lands you from your dizzy trip, 
upon your can instead
landing there, and laid out bare
The children circle round to stare

Children in a circle
Standing on the lawn
I feel like Dr. Jerkyl
Over me they taunt or fawn

I wheeze and gasp, 
soon out to pass, 
lying limp upon the grass.
Laughs, titters, giggles, 
taunting wondering eyes
jeer the simple fool 
who could not catch the prize.
as laid out on the grass, 
in agony he lies

And loving teacher kind, 
and not amused at all
redirects mean mocking minds, 
marching them back down the hall

But remember the simple story
of the turtle's patient glory
with his slow insightful care, 
the first to make it there
And in the end to humble the
The quick and cocky hare

I am the turtle slow but wise, 
and in my own time I'll win the prize

Another instance of my being slow, witted and paced: In fourth grade during roll call the teacher asked me where I was yesterday.  I told him I was home sick (I really was). He jokingly responded, "Were you home sick or homesick?".  Hardy har har - like a deer in the headlights I didn't get it!  My cluelessness made him ask that stupid question two or three more times, to which I answered each time the same, before he realized I was a dolt and dropped it.  I was embarrassed by all the attention.  A classmate, Maryanne, then spoke up and said mockingly, "He wasn't sick! I saw him out playing in his front yard yesterday!".  She shot me a snotty look. I ripped her back a mean one and whispered, "I'll get you at recess!".  Defiant, she just stuck out her tongue at me.  At recess I saw her on the playground and commenced chase.  She took off and I ran after her.  All the kids were watching so I really had to catch her.  She was simply faster than me.  She ran all the way across the playground and out to the big lawned field.  At some point I couldn't run anymore and stopped exhausted.  She turned around and jeered, and I heard off in the distance the sounds of laughter coming from the kids watching - How embarrassing - what a loser!

I've always been a slow eater.  When in a hurry I often get hiccups, or a very painful restriction in my gut pipe.  In high school I paid for this, since the guys I hung out with would eat their lunches very quickly and then in boredom they would mess around with my tray, teasing, joking, poking and eating my food - all in good fun (for them).  Slowness got me in trouble yet again.

Nobody likes to be slow, slow is low, undesirable...or so we know.

If you're a musician you're familiar with the word ritard - it occurs in a piece of music and it means to slow it down.  Some of the best moments in music are when this happens.  It's downward movement, calming, and beautiful.

So if you're slow (or fast and just need a breather), be okay to just be special; be ritarded.  It's all good.  Learn to love the little retard in you.  You are a little retard(ed), a special little retard. And if you can't love and appreciate that, you can't really love and appreciate yourself fully. And, you will be intolerant, and maybe even denigrating to others you see as beneath you and retarded.

If retard offends you, maybe that says more about you and your expectations of excellence and perfection, or admitting inability, than it does the person or thing being referred to as retarded.  I don't want to live in a world were we cannot allow people to have shortcomings.  Why must we all feign to fit a mold of the ideal uber-person, when the law of averages says that most of us will be average on most counts, with a few aberrations above if we're lucky, and below if we're not?  

Of course, I could be a bit slow (differently-abled) on this whole politically correct movement of non-offense from others at any cost.  I just think we all deserve the right to be offended, and to offend - possibly helping us get off our ends and think about things. In my view taking offense is a sign that you are uncomfortable or insecure about something - like wearing what others may perceive to be a silly looking robe.   Personally I have a problem with censuring words that might be offensive.  Where does it end?  Should we add silly to that the long list?  For example, in my opinion, crazy is far more misused (and acceptable) than retarded, but I'm never offended when I hear it, in any of its many forms.  

Many times it's not the word we use but the spirit and context in which the word is delivered that matters.  A rose by any other name would still look and smell like a rose, thorns and all.   Differently-abled still looks and smells like retarded to me - and I'm okay with that.  I can own that word too ... and maybe even make it cool, even given its trying so hard not to offend anyone.  I could even abuse it and turn it into a slur ...but what do I know? I'm insane.  But my realization of that caused me to realize that most everyone else is too in some respects and to some degree.  

So cheers to my fellow crazy retarded apes who love a fracas - let's hang out and have a laugh at each other.  Laughter, at ourselves and others, is the best way to cut some slack from the drive to be perfect and without flaw, and one of the most enjoyable things about being alive when done in good spirits.  Being too uptight is a form of retarded too.  The real retards I have had the pleasure to know are role models of this kind of loose amusement and joy, devoid of contempt, and full of acceptance.  That is their special differently-abled ability we would all do well to acquire.