Crisco Kid Was a Friend of Mine

It's kinda funny when I hear people call themselves or others Christians and talk about Christ. Christ wasn't Jesus's name. It isn't even a Hebrew name. It is a Greek title, Christos, meaning anointed one. Jesus, in all of his life, never once referred to himself as Christ.

And even if it was only those Greek geeks who came after him calling him Christos, Christ wasn't the only christ. There were many anointed ones, especially in the Jewish faith. They were anointing everything with oils, both in and out of sacred rites. Desert cultures love oils, especially for the hair and skin. Calling Jesus the Christ literally means Jesus the anointed one, Jesus the one we oiled, Jesus the lubricated and the moist. I'm sure his hair and skin looked great.

So a Christian is a person who follows only one christofied dude, out of the many well-oiled dudes who came out of the Hebrew tradition of being anointed with special oil and some magic words to attain a title, a religious ranking (keep note that the Hebrew society was a theocracy) and they think calling this guy Christ, rather than by his (modernized) name Jesus, is something more special, more significant than his real name and his true identity. I guess it's just more evidence of how people can miss the tree for the forest ... or the case for the lawyer.

Imagine if Jesus was a Lawyer. Lawyer would be his title. It would be perfectly fine to call him Jesus the Lawyer, or even Lawyer Jesus ... if he had his law degree and license to practice that is ... but to simply call him Lawyer is wrong. Imagine hearing, "Lawyer said, we should all love each other and live in peace together."

Yeah, that would be weird in more ways than one. "Which lawyer said that? And why is he calling himself just Lawyer?", some might ask, especially other lawyers. Others might wonder if that cat was really a lawyer since that message is bad news for lawyers everywhere.

So, since back then, religion was the law and the law was the religion, Jesus was anointed to practice and interpret the law of Moses (The Torah) and minister to the Hebrew people as a public servant, illegally it should be noted.

Around the age of 30 or so, he came back to Hebrew town after a long stay in India with his dad (Life in a Hebrew Town - Hey-um-ma-ma-my, Hey-um-ma-my-yah!) He desired to minister to his own people as he had done with his people in the East (His father was an Indian Holy Man. Jesus was a half-breed). He knew in order to minister and practice within Hebrew society he would need a license to preach and the "proper" anointing from some faction of Judaism (The Essenes) in order to give him some street cred among the Jewish people.

So one night, back home, breaking bread with the family (Joe, Mary, his step, and half-siblings), Jesus heard tell of his cousin John, who was living out in the desert, baptizing and anointing people as disciples in his special sect of Judaism.  Knowing that a place within mainstream Judaism as a priest or man of the cloth was blocked from his entry, Jesus stuck it to the man and traveled out and joined John's practice in the desert.  He eventually graduated his discipleship, was anointed with a ton of THC oil, and sent out to wander the desert, HAF, for 40 days. Jewish numerology loves the number 40, so it probably wasn't exactly 40 days, especially if we're relying on someone high on Kannabis to tell us how long he was gone. ;)
40 is simply Hebrew speak to denote "a substantial spell". Yeah, you'd be talking to the devil at that point too.  This rite was part of his graduation ceremony. So yes, if you asked a mainstream Temple Jew, Jesus was given the priesthood illegally within an unrecognized sect and ceremony.

He began his ministry upon finding his way back out of the desert and returning to mainstream society.  When his folks heard from the neighbors he was back in town after his wild trip out to see cousin Johnny in the desert, they also heard that he was out telling crazy stories about himself, the devil, and god, they quickly went off to save their family reputation.  According to Mark, the earliest gospel, Mary his mother, and a few brothers and sisters went to the place he was preaching, a house, and tried to fetch him home thinking he had gone mad, mostly because he was saying unusual things and implying that he was the son of god.  So much for the annunciation, hey Mary?

This also explains why the godly representatives within mainstream Judaism were so often at odds with Jesus and his illegitimacy. So often they are seen giving him shit and arguing with him. Turns out that Jesus the Christ was not properly oiled or Christed enough for them (they never used that word), which is completely understandable. He got his license to preach on the black market while getting high on kaneh bosm (cannabis). Jesus was unconventional, to put it mildly.

I love Jesus and everything that surrounds him.  So when speaking of Jesus by name, keep your Christ ... right next to your Crisco.  If I were to name Christians properly, I'd call them Jesussians, an homage to both Jesus and Dr. Suess with their wild collection of late told stories called the New Testament (aka The Legends of Jesus).  

And by the really far-out chance that people ever take to following me and making up wild stories after I'm long dead and gone simply because I was rumored to be a well-oiled man who may have been said to say some inspired shit, and do some miracles (like filing my taxes every year), I hope they call themselves Ronions and meet every week in an anointed cave to bake, get baked, lube, eat, drink and be hairy, for tomorrow they dry.

If anyone feels the need to tell some stories about me they must do it with the vile breath of garlic and onions on their lips as they speak. And laughter is the best amen, deep and hard, maybe even farting laughter, but never on purpose, especially in a closed space - Come on man! that's rude and inconsiderate, and violates the spirit of Just Ron the Ron ... Namely, Poo unto others as you would have them poo unto you ...

As you've read already, if people end up worshipping me, I also hope to be known as Just Ron the Ron, the Fun Sun of God, because ya'll need to lighten up a bit, turn off your electRONics, quit talking so much crap on the internet, and go outside more. ;)

P.S. I hope you didn't find all this too anointing, and it wasn't seen as unctuous.  Beneath all my joking there is a very sincere heart and I love you, whatever you profess to be... even a lover of those well oiled.

Fearless Leader of the Ronions - Just Ron the Ron
Note: We didn't know what the fuck he actually looked like so this depiction is as good as any

To Sheep, Perhaps to Cream - Udder Calm

Friday, April 9th, 2021

Last night I had a very strange dream.  I know, some, maybe most people don't like hearing about other people's dreams a whole lot, especially when they're just a jumbled bunch of weird nonsense that means and makes more sense to the teller than it does to the told. And of course, they just have to give you all the details.

With that, I'll tell you the weird, wonderful dream I had last night ...

I dreamt that I was myself as an old man, like 20-30 years in the future. I was still living on the family "farm" and tending my place, my personal garden of Eden. As usual, I was out moving dirt and muck around, enjoying the emerging bugs while cleaning and repairing my ditches to be ready for the annual irrigation waters which were soon to come. I was much slower and deliberate now, and progress was slower too. Doggo was "helping", as always, never able to pass up a good dig with all the wonderful smells being turned over or set loose. Like help from a kid, sometimes his digging and investigating was more a hindrance than a help, but he made it up more than good with the company.

 I stopped at one point to straighten my back and rest. I was a bit tired, hot, and working up a sweat. As I paused I thought to myself, "What a very peaceful and happy life I've had.", in a sort of strange recollection of all the years that had passed since this dream started. These were beautiful memories of things that hadn't happened yet, and some sad things too as I searched the time lost to a future state. But, "All sad things are born of love... and return to it" I heard my mind say. Plus, at my age, I'd learned the drive to always be happy was a false god, and detrimental actually to true happiness.  "Into each life, a little rain must fall" also came to mind ... as well as the lyrics to Here Comes the Rain Again... by now a very oldie and still a goodie.

I called it a day and gathered my tools as dark clouds were forming from the south and the air was cooling. It started sprinkling a bit, a cool, almost welcome rain that happens while the sun is still shining. The sun was about to call it a day as well, going down among the still white clouds leaving along with it over the near horizon. The western sky as usual was exiting in all its vibrant glory. "This is like the perfect backdrop for a storybook tale of good and evil", I thought as I stood and admired it.

Seeing dark clouds and storms sweeping in on my left, in a growing mass seemingly devouring the distant Earth with rainshadows streaming downward beneath, raised a strong sense of impending doom ... But I thought, "Nah, that's just my instincts telling me it's about time to take cover from the cold dark wetness to come. It's simply that mammalian urge to keep my fur dry and warm." Ah warm!", I thought. As I looked to my right and up above the sky was clear sunny and setting and producing magical rain that seems to come from nowhere out of the clear blue sky above. I've always believed that this rain had a certain kind of magic, and to get wet in it was a kind of lucky charm, a blessing or baptism by angels. Aside from being magical, these rain sprinkles were so often refreshing and nice on a sunny day.

Shortly, my bones started to take chill with the rain sprinkling me cool and wetting my clothes as I stood enjoying this heavenly drama. The heavens before me and on my right were retreating in a seeming surrender to the dark forces coming on from the deep south. 

"Looks like we got ourselves one hell of a storm coming," I said to my hound dog, Cooper, who was curiously observing the same scene in bouts of stillness too, seeming to ponder the end of a good day and enjoy the cool wetness - more yummy smells being stirring up whose sources needed discovery.

As he wound his way back to me and sat again to observe, I touched his wet head and said, "Let's get our hides inside." He followed me in as I turned to walk toward the house to clean up and get into some dry clothes.

I made myself some clam chowder, the quick kind out of a can, much like the dog's meal.

A bit later I started feeling ill. I couldn't decide if it was from the clams or the cold, maybe both, but feeling like crap, with nausea and fatigue, I took to bed, feeling under the weather. You know how a bad bout of flu makes you feel like you're dying. Well, I was sick and fatigued and felt like I was going to die, just like I always felt when really sick, but this time, in my sick dream, I knew. I somehow knew with certainty that this was going to be the one to come true ...

Uneasy, I woke up just then, back in bed, a little upset and feeling cold and sniffling. I realized I was completely uncovered and cold so I sleepily pulled the twisted blanket glob at my feet sloppily back over me. As I drifted back off to sleep, feeling much warmer and the overtones of my death dream still in the air, it felt like my old man's body was being lowered softly into a hole, into the blackness, the eternal still and calm. 

"This is my death!" I thought in that place between wake and dream, feeling a wee bit panicked, but I was too tired to care and willingly sunk down in it ... into complete darkness, silence... total sensory deprivation. Ahhh - Death, the ultimate relaxation.....The eternal Zzzzzzzzzzzzs

As my mind drifted off into nothing and my entire body rested in this blackest black hole ... a floaty, comforting, and drifting black hole you should know ... I experienced complete and udder calm as we often do in our nightly surrender of all consciousness set to rescue the brain from madness.

Somehow in this udder stupor, I realized that I was back in my dream as my older self who had just gone to bed ill and experienced his death. Seems I died from too much chill to the bone... or from my love of clams.

After how much time, I don't know since I was dead to the world, suddenly, like two neurons waking to spark up a conversation, I saw a flicker, a pin of light that sparkled and expanded and swelled to a soft white-yellow glow all around me as I arose to consciousness again - like a reboot. 

Being neither old nor young, with little sense of my own identity except the vague recollection that I once was an old man who died, I looked into the source of the light, the brightest part streaming in, and moved toward it. This must be "a white hole!" I thought as I curiously pushed my face toward it, delighted in my discovery, and thinking maybe its discovery might just win me some kind of science award and notability. What a discovery! There are White holes too in the universe! "Maybe it's what is at the other end of a black hole!", I thought

Surprisingly, the light was not hurting my eyes much at all even though it was ultra bright. Squinting hard, I put my eye up to the pinhole and had a peek. As I pushed my face to it, it stretched out wider. Squinting out the light hole, the brightness soon faded away as my vision returned. I saw a whole new world out there appear in the light before me!

So I stuck my nose and head out of the hole, as my eyes cleared the hole I opened my now sticky eyelids, and there I was, alive again!  I was being born!  "This must be my new life in Heaven!", I thought.  I was so happy!

Just then, I was squeezed hard out of the hole in one last push and hit the straw strewn ground wet, facefirst in the dirt. With shit in my mouth, I looked up and saw the hole. It belonged to my mother... a goat. "I've just been born into heaven as a goat, and the portal to it was a doe's vagina... do re mi fa so la ti DOE!  The hills are alive with the sound of ... Baaha ha ha hah!!

I was all white, with a tinge of yellow, like the glow of light that enveloped me and brought me back to life. I had beautiful long goat legs, long ears that I could always see in my periphery, and hooves for hands and feet. 

"I'm a goat. Hmm... so this is what it's like being a goat, huh?"  Mom was licking me know... It felt nice, being licked, and even nicer being licked by someone you love.

"Hmm, why am I a goat in heaven?" I thought taking a swerve from my goatish reveries. "In the bible, Satan took the goats and Jesus took the sheep. Jesus was the good shepherd, which makes one think that Satan is a bad one? The same Satan who is often depicted as a goat, horns. cloven feet, a tail! ... Baphomet is a goat-man, and now I'm a goat who was a man!

I must be in Hell!" I thought and felt a bit worried about what was to come. I consoled myself in a weird way, seeing that my worries of going to hell were right. It always feels good being right.

Looking about it was a nice barn with a nice warm patch of straw in a wood worn corner and the side of the barn was warm from the spring day sun outside.

"Oh well, it seems like a nice place.  Who knows...?"

I stood up on my wobbly legs after a short time and nuzzled into my mother's teats.  Soon forcefully in my mouth and butting the bag, the milk began to flow as I sucked it in. It tasted like ice cream, delicious nutritious warm ice cream, and mom smelled so wonderful.

Full of warm creamy milk and feeling great and full of life I mused, "I think I'm going to like being a goat" as I licked my fuzzy goat lips. I laid down in the straw and licked my nethers ...  "I'm a girl!? I'm a girl goat! What the hell is going on here?"

Just then the door to the barn opened and the bright light poured in around the silhouette of a human-like creature making its way toward me. "This must be the Devil", I thought, and I was a little afraid, especially with all the recently unsettling events ... Afraid that is until he walked out of the silhouette and I could see his face. 

It was me from the past!

All I could figure is that when I died as an old man, I must have traveled back in time to the day Roxanne was born, the first baby goat born on my farm, March 15th, 2021. And now I was her and she was me, in the future that was now my past. 

Immediately all my fears went away because I knew I was in heaven knowing how much I had loved me as a goat. I felt completely secure anticipating all the wonderful years of my life to come with this goat lovin' devil ...

Sadly, that's when I woke up, and the light was again coming through the window blinds. Turns out I didn't die, in the present or in the future, although I did have that firehose diarrhea going on all day - musta been all that sweet goat milk in my dreams... or all the ice cream I ate before bed.

Joking aside for a moment, I woke up feeling strongly that heaven can be anywhere ... anywhere you feel loved, protected, and secure. It's anywhere you look with a grateful heart. It's where always know and trust that your needs will be taken care of with plenty of food, water, sunshine, and companionship. Most of all it's a place where you are fully allowed to just be you, with calm correction when necessary, and always loved and admired for who you are, and only expected to be such, who you are ... even if you're a goat, maybe even especially if you're a goat.

And that's why you should always be kind to animals because one day you just might be one (Pssst! you already are), in another heaven you never knew about, in another time, or another place, or maybe, just maybe, you're one right now, running around in on "God's Green Acres", in another place and time, or maybe in the same place and time, while the other you sits and frets about their taxes.

Besides, in my book, if you take good care of kids and animals and give them a good life, full of love, full of opportunity of experience and expression, you are a god, a creator of heaven and peace. You are a god in their heaven, and the keeper and provider of their udder joy and calm, even if you're a goat. 

The End

P.S. I hope my dream comes true someday. Until then I plan to love my kids, my animals, you animals, and my goats, especially Roxanne, who may just know more about me than I do right now ;)

Me as a Goat - Roxanne