Never Stop Questioning

Since there was no meeting of the CCC* this AM I will purge my stimulated coffee thoughts here:   (*for more info on the CCC, http://onetomany01.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-charter-meeting-of-ccc.html )

Instead of invigorating conversation at 6AM, I'm now home at working on lyrics to a song. The song is titled One Eye Open (Blind Faith). Many times before attempting to write lyrics I like to mentally explore the topic to fill my mind with ideas to work from. I came up with this alliteration:

Dogmatists damn doubt due to doubt damning dogmatism.

Certainty is a sterile rock that grows nothing, killing doubt (by questions) and faith (by seeking from evidences). Closed minded certainty polishes that rock smooth, erasing any climbing foothold for further exploration or ascent. Certainty, like perfection, is stagnation, especially in the face of the unknown.  Any institution that quells questioning, exploration, vilifies doubts, doubting, or doubters, touts blind trust and adherence, seeks to dumb down diversity by emphasis on following and believing, or raises up special persons as purveyors of all truth can be considered a cult in some degree.

Faith and the emphasis on such, especially when touted to trump facts, should be suspect when examining a claim ... Faith is "evidence of things not seen"... note it says evidence! We could equate this phrase in science with "dark matter/energy" We have evidences that it exist, or should exist, but have not yet been able to see it (detect/observe).

People should practice faith (hypotheses) while keeping one eye open to the evidence or they will be hoodwinked and fooled, most likely by their own biased certitude. Some things do not merit faith, both that soundly disproven and that soundly proven. In the realm of that proven, belief is a poor substitute for knowledge, and an entirely unnecessary substitution for facts.

 Although often disparaged for his doubt, Thomas was the apostle Christians should most follow. He followed the Savior's admonition to question anyone who should come after him, pretending to be him,  By careful inspection of the 'resurrected' lord who was said to have returned Thomas was following the savior. He personally did not believe until he felt and saw with his own hands and eyes. He gets disparaged for his doubt and is often held as an example to promote simple faith without need for evidence, this being a more faithful and enlightened state, but he was the only apostle noted in the NT to actually follow what Jesus himself told his disciples to do - question and be wary of anyone who came after him claiming to be him.  The history of Christianity has been one full of charlatans and scoundrels.

Descartes said, "Doubt is the beginning of wisdom" This clearly means that until we start to question things we are not really thinking for ourselves. We are being unwise. It could have just as easily been phrased, "Questioning is the beginning of wisdom" because questioning is the start of individual thought and probing, no longer being satisfied with following or being fed knowledge. This is the biggest nut of knowledge we try to impart to students, not just learning stuff rote, but learning how to learn and question, and knowing how to seek and discern truth (facts) for themselves. Education should hope to make students seekers of learning by teaching them to question the integrity of "facts", especially those internally held that they may have been handed to them while not having a questioning sentry at the input stage (wisdom filter/fact checker).  A good education also imparts to the seeking mind an understanding of the nuance of facts.  As a result of our evolution we are wired toward black and white thinking.  A person stopping to consider the nuance of a predator attack soon found themselves eaten.  

Everything has different levels of "truth" and as you look closer facts get more nuanced and complicated.  Even facts are not absolute because everything is comprised of its opposite.  Irony (opposition) is a founding principle of the universe.  Find the irony find the truth.

Sadly, part of growing up and expanding your thinking is a process of uprooting and tossing out all the crap you sucked in as a child and young adult before you had in place a proper critical evaluation system. In this respect, some kids get more crap than others, especially those raised in religions based on nonsense. (It is my opinion that most religions are riddled with nonsense to some degree). 

The coup de gras of many religions is that they teach this nonsense alongside faith and certainty at a young and vulnerable age - a spirit of "Don't question it or you're a sinner of the worst and irredeemable kind". They seek to get em young, before they develop a means to filter or rationally sort information...sadly many people in religion have not developed this filter, else they would not tolerate much of what they are being fed. They are stuck being right, and comfortable (comforted) in that position.

In many respects, certainty gets in the way of learning (or thinking you have anything to learn), and exploration. Doubt is opposed to certitude a killer of thought and exploration. Dogmatists damn doubt due to doubt damning dogmatism.

"The death of dogmatism is the birth of reality" - Immanuel Kant

"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned." - Anonymous

Ironically, one reason certainty grows so strong is due to the fertile ground of insecurity. Not knowing feels scary and weak. Asking questions shows you lacking, and puts you in an inferior position to others.  A person asking genuine questions is out there, open and exposed.  They are showing their weakness and inferiority of not knowing.  It is a brave and secure person who asks real questions and admits not knowing, and who recognizes the inability to know in certain areas and finds peace with that without having to close the door with the certitude of faith.   Certainty is closure of this open vulnerable state, many cases an artificial closure.  Politicians and Religious leaders rearely admit to not knowing as it portrays them as weak.  We need to believe our leaders are strong and smart and have all the answers.  Admitting weakness in these areas is suicide for these people.

“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.”  ― Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man

“It's a fact—everyone is ignorant in some way or another. Ignorance is our deepest secret. And it is one of the scariest things out there, because those of us who are most ignorant are also the ones who often don't know it or don't want to admit it.

Here is a quick test:
If you have never changed your mind about some fundamental tenet of your belief, if you have never questioned the basics, and if you have no wish to do so, then you are likely ignorant.


Before it is too late, go out there and find someone who, in your opinion, believes, assumes, or considers certain things very strongly and very differently from you, and just have a basic honest conversation. It will do both of you good.” ― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Without doubt, faith is not faith. The irony is that certainty kills true faith (belief), yet faith creates certainty (knowledge).  Mark Twain said this best, "Between believing a thing and thinking you know is only a small step and quickly taken."  Unfortunately many people are certain in areas that can only be believed. They have proven their hypothesis without evidence. This attitude of certitude gets them stuck being right, and halts questioning and investigation. 

"Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions." - Frater Ravus

Faith and doubt are two ends of a spiritual walking stick, we grip one end (faith) and poke and prod with the other end (doubt) to get our bearings in the fog. The arena of the unknown is a heavy basin of fog and uncertainty. Like Newton said, paraphrased, "We are children playing on a beach where a vast ocean of knowledge lies before us undiscovered"

With questioning comes a curious spirit, with curiosity comes exploration, and with exploration comes discovery whence comes depth and richness to existence - happiness ...and it's perfectly OK to discover what others may already know - like watching a classic movie many others have already seen. It is no less enjoyable as you reach the end as it was for the others before you (unless they spoil the mysteries for you).

Like a plot in a movie, the joy and fulfillment lies in discovering the mystery, and resolving the dissonance ... maybe even becoming comfortable in dissonance unresolved, since that means life still has mysteries to be discovered. I love that I do not know things, it just means their is yet more fun to be had.  A good plot makes you curious, makes you question, gets your mind involved ... A good life does the very same thing.  This is the plot of the universe full of mysteries - to engage a curious mind.

I like what Einstein said about curiosity  "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing", and, "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.", and "The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination."

And Socrates (via Plato), " The unexamined life is not worth living."  to which I add, but it is certainly more comfortable.  Daring to get outside your comfort zone and be wrong is key to growth, exploration, and curiosity.

Be curious and have doubts, have lots of doubts (questions) ... especially have the bravery to doubt your certainty. Examine thoughts, imagine within the realm of reality, and dare to explore that reality outside itself. Play on the seashore and dip your toe into that ocean. Grow. Discover. Be. Be Happy. 

As a kid I always wanted to be a scuba diver. As a young adult I became a certified scuba diver... As an old adult I am now swimming in Newton's Ocean, as science has ventured from the beach and into the waters.  Humanity via science has now made great strokes into Newton's metaphorical waters, which has revealed yet still more mysteries open to discovery and exploration.

Square Pegs - Round Holes

Vitruvian Man

The phrase "Square peg in a round hole" is an old idiomatic expression which describes generally a forced fit of disparate elements, and specifically the unusual individualist who can not fit into a niche of his or her society.

Recently, like Vitruvian Man, I stood up straight, looked around, waved my arms and spread my legs, and in my curiosity I chose to re-attend the LDS temple by mending my form into that of Christ Crucified (interestingly enough the form of the square pervasive in the LDS temple ceremony).   I had heard much positive talk about the changes made since I last attended, and talk on the profundity of the images and acting within the most recent version of the movie shown therein.  So naturally my curiosity was piqued. AND the last time I went (1998), I was of an entirely different mind pertaining to my knowledge of the temple ceremony, the church, and it's history (naive).    So I got my temple recommend, (surprising as this may be, I can answer all the interview questions with integrity, some with clauses and addenda - but I was open and honest during my interviews).  I bought me some garments, and with a good friend I went, I saw, I experienced the 3:00 PM endowment session at the Bountiful Temple, Sat, Aug 31, 2013.

Curiosity quelled, I now considered what just happened, and chewed on it while sharing a meal in the Temple cafeteria with that same friend .  In all my chewing I found myself hitting a brick wall, much like I discovered a small bone in my chicken pot pie ...  An inedible bit that cannot be consumed or digested.  A bit that is best spit out, discretely. You see, I don't believe in Adam and Eve; I know and accept evolution to be the correct account of how life and we came to be. 

The entire ceremony is so centered on the creation story in Genesis, wherein Adam and Eve are the central characters. So needless to say my mind has been chewing on this controversy (dissonance) trying very hard to resolve it.  I can't resolve it, not without tossing out the story as purely mythical and metaphorical, which sadly I don't think works within the LDS church (or most christian religions).  My observations say its absolutism cannot allow that much latitude with one of their favorite stories.  The temple ceremony contained an inescapable insistence on this idea as something very literal.

I spoke briefly about it with my father-in-law, and he recommended that I consult the words and thoughts of Henry Eyring (1901-1981) on the topic.  Eyring was an LDS scientist who accepted evolution and reconciled it for himself within his religious beliefs and his scientific knowledge.   So I did.  Wanna know my summation?  It's astounding to what lengths seemingly intelligent people are willing to go to in order to hang on to an idea.  Once abandoned things fit so much easier, without so much need for explanation and contortion.  

Thinking about all this temple stuff, my mind got stuck on the garments I was now told to wear as a worthy recommend holder and the necessity/reason of my wearing them.  The whole "protection" stuff is a load of beans (at least in my mind).  I don't feel the need to wear special underwear for god to love and protect me more.  Did Jesus wear temple garments under his clothing?  Are these special undergarments mentioned specifically anywhere in the scriptures?  No.  In the scriptures, even LDS scriptures, every occurrence of garment or garments can safely and rightly be interpreted as an old name for clothes/clothing.  Like most people, I have no problem wearing clothes as appropriate.   So garments, check!  I have no need for special underwear in this department, especially underwear so goofy.

If you are LDS and struggle to understand me and my position, I still believe in god, but understand this; I am no longer a sheep.  If I must be an animal to god, I'd rather be god's monkey.  But I don't know if that would be very useful to god... Maybe entertaining, but possibly more trouble than god is willing to bear.  If I must be a useful animal, I'm more like a horse, maybe even a Crazy Horse; the monkey made to be a horse.  I'm simply applying my horse/monkey sense to what I am asked to think and do, not merely following, being pushed and prodded, but following being led and guided.  Ask, "What animal is of more value to the shepherd?"  As such I submit to god as his horse, and let him ride and lead me as he may.  If he wants me to herd sheep, I'll do that.  If he needs my conveyance in another use, I will bear his weight and learn from his commands, and hopefully help him in his labors. ...yadda yadda ya.  Back on reality track.  

So ditching the protection bit, I pondered on the reminder part of the reason for wearing garments.  I'm cool with that.  I'm a ponderous ponderer.  I love reminiscences and reminders.  I love metaphors and symbols.  So I thought deeply on what those symbols were communicating.  I considered each of the four symbols on the garment, two being lines and two being squares (right angles). The symbol of the square (and compass) is made up of two lines placed together at a right angle.  

Of the two squares, one is positioned in the mark of the compass, pointing down, which I always find odd.  When you actually use a compass you utilize it with the apex pointing up.   Depicting it as used, I would think,  would point the mind upward to higher planes and ultimately perfection and god.  I cannot at this point find any reason why the symbol for the compass should have its apex pointing down, unless the objective of the artisan using it would be to draw circles and arcs in the space above his head.  Maybe there's something to that? However, contrary to the garment, in the Masonic depiction the compass apex points up and it is shown as used.  It is also depicted at an angle around 60° (not 90).

The other "right angle" symbol, the symbol of the square, sits appropriately over your right nipple.  Squares are right handed (or left brain) in that they represent exactness, conformity, integrity, being true - right angles abound in squares.  They depict the rules, laws, and logic of man. This is the masonic meaning of the square.  Masons are builders. Men are builders.  We like building square things and straight things.  It's much easier to do so.  As such a true 90 square becomes important for a nice square/plumb symmetrical structure - hence a cornerstone, squared and true at every corner/edge.  The better you are as a workman builder, and the more exact and true your tools, the better you will be at making things square and true.  Exactness is square.   Square is very ruled and set, much like the letter of the law.  Squares and rules, rules and rulers.  The law is very square.  All the marks on the garment are squares or lines. 

However, as I've mentioned, the compass, although square in appearance, is used for drawing arcs and circles.  I'll touch on that now.

The first thing to note when moving on to circles is that squares and circles are oppositional shapes.    Men are good at straight lines and making squares, squares are very 1+1=2 ... but we're not so good with curves and circles ... now you're getting into calculus and higher math with motion and rates and cycles.  Rolling, rotations, revolutions, spins, etc.   Squares and lines are static, circles and arcs are dynamic.

When you consider the natural world you will note that it makes very few right angles or straight lines (mostly in geology with the form of some rocks, or microscopically with crystalline structures in rocks or crystals, or microscopically in some lifeforms = plant cells are squarish).  

Most of nature's outward appearances are curved and rounded to some degree.  Nature is very good at making circles - just look at the night sky and see all the billions of circles shining out through time.  Now think that most of these are moving in circles around a circular galaxy, and likely have stuff moving around them in circles (or ellipses).  
Most fruit and produce is circular or curved in nature.  Our blood cells (among others) are circular, toroidal.  Our heads are round when viewed from the top...the eyeballs, retinas, pupils, the braincase - Our brains! A big round sphere (cortex) on top of another sphere (limbic system) on top of another sphere (cerebellum).  A trinity of braininess exists in our heads - each sphere being split into hemispheres. 

Being somewhat a builder myself, I can tell you that men have a very hard time building round things and working with curves.   Curves are the spirit of the law.  They are a higher law, a higher order of math and expression.  They are more organic and creative. They are more artful, more flowing.  They ebb and flow and cycle.  Curves are the most pleasing to the eye, the mind, and the body (this is why women are more attractive than men and horses, cows).    God is a circle within circles on a circuitous spiraling path that keeps coming back around on itself in the dance of infinity. 

Christ in my mind in his perfected state is a circle.  Men, in my mind, are squares.  Women, in my mind are more circular, but their humanity is still square.  Maybe they are squares with more rounded corners like plants, or maybe they are squares with more sides - like an octagon, or higher.

Back to the garment, the symbol of the compass is over your left nipple. The left side of the body due to inversion is controlled via the right brain.  This right brain is your spiritual side and the spirit of the law.  Right brained thinking is very round, organic, imaginative and divergent. If you follow the circumference of a circle it diverges from a straight line at every increment. The compass is an instrument which indicates and achieves roundness and arcs.   Circles are what Christ offers man to become whole - circles - eternity - God.

When Christ was here on Earth he said, "Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill."  Matt 5:21

Moses and his law was square and exact = Justice.  Christ and his law are round and forgiving = Mercy.  He claims he came to fulfill the law of Moses.  Christ was possibly teaching us that to fulfill the law you must make yourself a round peg that fits within the square hole of the law of Moses.  Maybe this is how you achieve your maximum roundness as a human, and still fulfill the law of Moses = Justice.  

But the idiom is expressed as "square pegs in round holes". I submit that we are all square pegs being human, and that Christ (God) in perfection is round.  As such, we are all square pegs struggling to fit into a round hole, no longer needing to be placed and fit squarely into Moses' square.

I think that in actuality, and conversely, the roundness of Christ is bigger than the squareness of man (Law of Moses). As such our square pegs fit neatly inside his round circumference.  As I said earlier, Christ as a perfected being is round, a roundness that encompasses the square.  I wonder that, as a human, if our perfected state is to be a true square peg, or is it to let Christ perfect us into losing our edges and becoming round.  Man, humans, and mankind are certainly square images to my mind.  

Pegs & Holes

The only way to fit a square peg into a round hole without damage to the peg is to make the sides of the square SMALLER than the diameter of the circle, the corners fitting within the circumference of the circle.  To do this the diagonal of the square must be equal to or less than the diameter of the circle.   The square you make will contain much less area than the circle in which it fits.  

The only way to fit a round peg in a square hole is to make the diameter EQUAL to, or less than, the sides of the square.  So to fit my roundness into the law I must become smaller than my square associates who fit and fill the corners.  Yet, if Christ did fulfill the law, I can expand and fit his round shape exactly.

I find it interesting that there are no circular symbols on the garment, and only via inference at considering one of the squares to be an upside down compass.  Circles can only be found in the negative spaces that your body parts go through.  Your body, your physical existence, makes the circles.

Like I mentioned, I personally feel no need to wear the garment, as I am already so keyed in to symbolisms, reminders, and my relationship to god.  I do not need their protection nor their reminder.  In all this discussion I see myself ultimately as a round peg being put into a round hole, both of the same size.  Becoming one with God and Christ.  

On earth now, I feel myself being that same round peg being forced into a smaller square hole (Specifically, some of the teachings of the LDS church, but generally any teaching of religious man).  The garments are very square and linear (very law of Moses). The temple ceremony, as it is now, is square - very square ... and a bit weird, and way too Masonic.  I'm certain that God could make a way better temple experience.  

One item that I have not touched upon in the temple experience is that of the redemption of the dead.  In LDS doctrine their ordinances are very important (Baptism, confirmation of the Holy Ghost, Temple ordinances and endowment).  They must be performed on this earth by the LDS priesthood, the only legitimate priesthood, thus the only legitimate ordinances.   Other blessings and baptisms do not count.   If a person dies without receiving these they are not able to be admitted into higher states of heaven, to put it simply.

I think this idea is a mistaken one.  I do not think that the LDS church needs to save the entire world of the dead via performing ordinances in secret rooms dressed like clownish bakers.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I do not think that ordinances matter one speck to God.  If one has a pure heart and a contrite spirit, with an eye single to God's glory the rest (body and mind) will follow.   A seeker will find.  Christ came into the world to fulfill - to fill full.   The law of Moses was done away - encircled by his greater good, by his perFecTionn.  The sacrifices, offerings, and ordinances of Moses were superseded - they lead men performing them to become supercilious.  All these things are superable because Christ IS Superman.   All is redeemed through him, and him alone - ordinances can't and won't save you ... but they can put your mind on the path, if that is what you need.

It is my strong belief that Jesus never sought to establish a religion but his followers certainly did.  The church god has provided is the world, and our worship in it is live the core values expressed in every philosophy and religion. Be kind, do good, be honest and integrious.  Essentially, treat others as you wish to be treated.  Everyone instinctively knows this rule.  This is how we will be judged.  It is an even and fair playing field.  I hate that most religions profess that salvation comes only in and through their doors - what a crock! ...but it certainly puts bums in seats.

At this stage of my existence I picture myself as Vitruvian Man, with my feet square on the ground and my arms raised in praise to god - all points encompassed in the circle.   I no longer want to stick my  arms out straight in the form of the cross, making a square in all angles and be crucified.  I've had enough of crucifixion.   I've had enough of suffering, both that inflicted on me and by me going along with it. I am ready as a man, standing on this ground we call Earth, to raise my arms from the square, higher towards the heavens into the circle and in so doing take the form of praising God and seeking his perfection.  I am ready to be a round peg which fits perfectly in a round hole.    

The form of being open, exposed, and receptive to everything around me...realizing in my connected and open state that everything around me is an expression of God.

It is my goal to find him and emulate him in all I think and do.  It is my goal to ascend, to be artful, to be circular (and encompass the square).  To use all my attributes as needed and appropriate.    To achieve a martial art movement of mind, and soul (and body).  I seek a ninja soul.  A zen state mind, and a martial art body.  A state of power and flow, and connectedness.

In turn I feel it is God's wish for me to enjoy life, to be happy, to find true joy, and to let all that is me shine unhindered.  Seeking all this with joy and playfulness is how I can be his monkey and to help other people find their joy and their divinity, especially my family and friends, and most especially my children. 

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it made the monkey stronger. 

So all you apes out there listen to God's monkey as I help you to find God and to raise your arms from your sacrificial square of suffering and up, back to his circle of joy and praise.  Seek and ye shall find...and in all your seeking be kind.

Amen & Amend

I Did It!

I DID IT!

April 12, 1999

If you stop to consider the probability of it happening, the shear numbers would astound and amaze you. The odds were upwards of one trillion to one that I could do it, and yet I did it!  One trillion is a quantity unfathomable by the human mind but that didn't stop me.  Ha-Ha!

At hearing this I’m sure you’d say “That’s impossible against those odds! I can’t believe you did it! …. By the way, just what did you do?" 

Well I'm coming to that, but it’s true, I did do it, I made it, and I am here today as walking talking proof of that fact.

Just thinking about my Herculean feat, I feel somewhat like a superman. Of course you did it too, along with everyone else alive (and dead). You see the thing I did which we all treat so lightly, was that I made it into life, into existence. I beat the odds to exist and in doing so became all of that special someone only I can be.

We, and most of what we call life, are the expression of a unique combination of two tiny voyageurs; one highly unique sperm paired with a single unique egg. We are the outcome of the unlikely union of these two gametes, who each brought to the table their unique blueprints and construction plans. They got together and from there on dictated precisely how everything would be built. We are the outcome of that unique pairing, physically and mentally. Our appearance, our hair, eye, skin color, height, body style, mental ability, temperament, aptitude, personality, etc. is all coded and began by these hapless microscopic half wits. Simply put we are a composite of all our parts, and what determines those parts? The unique pairing of chromosomes found within those two gametes - that unique and highly improbable combination that started each of us off towards sentience in the form of Human.

These two gametes when paired contained the coding for everything which would comprise you - including your mind, and all its aptitudes and inherent abilities. They detailed its structure, how it would be shaped and folded, as well as your unique thought and behavior patterns (neural networks), which at a basic level comprise your personality. You’re entire existence is but a simple by-product of the chance meeting of these two gametes which define you. You are coded within the infinite we call the Cosmos - Celebrate That!

I had my beginning as half of me swimming and wiggling my heart out as a tiny sperm among about six million competitors. Catapulted into the dark void, we hapless haploids set out madly to reach the all compelling nirvana contained within that mythical egg of legend. Somehow we knew we weren't whole and complete without it. As I swam it was like I was instinctively drawn to that missing part which comprised the other half of me, and I loved her best...so she let me in. 

 The swim itself was quite an exhausting journey. Many got lost or sidetracked. Maybe their auto-pilots weren't working correctly or as well as those of us with fine tuned inner compasses. They swam in circles or back to the unloading point, or some just hung out swimming in chaotic patterns of intertwined elliptical circles like a crazed spirograph. They got distracted on the way

 Still to this day I don’t know what kept me swimming in the right direction or so fervently. Maybe it was the push of competition, or maybe my over inflated ambition, or maybe just the plain need to express myself. But whatever it was, suddenly there up ahead was the fountain of youth. We swarmed the prize, millions of us covering and hogging every available space to be found on its curved surface. Some girls, some boys, all fighting it out in a world without rules or regard for sex or status. We each, who had made the exhaustive journey, wanted to claim the golden girl. 

What a fracas, pushing shoving poking and hitting. Heads and tails banging into each other. Forget love thy neighbor here pal, this fight was all out selfishness - each sperm for itself. Forget compassion, forget empathy, that crap doesn’t cut it when you’re fighting a multitude of millions for a one way ticket to sentient-ville. 

Cracking the code, the egg's protective shell split before me and I dove in. Maybe she recognized me and could sense that I had the key of we. The security system quickly closed tightly around my entrance and formed an impenetrable barrier denying all others entrance. An intruder at this point would spell death for us all. I was in and had emerged the victor over all those countless others banging madly outside and struggling in despair as they resigned their quest to live. Slowly outside the madness waned as each one of millions wiggled in their defeat to be absorbed by the uterine void.

Once inside I spied my other half and immediately shed my clothing, my other half seeing me did the same and we united and fused in the glorious beginning of the expression of ME, of US, of WE. I won against insurmountable odds! I, who almost certainly should never be, AM. I won, therefore I am.

However, this was just half the story of me. The other half begins with that unique golden egg desired by millions. The story of this egg which defines my other half also contains a preponderance of probabilistic wonder. This other half of me, what we call the egg, had to struggle against the odds too, first to get free and have our turn at the right moment, then to make it to the right place at the right time, and meet my other half before anyone else got to me. Unlike my sperm counterpart who swam with the swarm of millions, I only competed with four hundred other candidates who are chosen and released sequentially, and at a slow rate of usually only one a month. Getting chosen for release is the first hurdle, the next is being released at the magic time. I was released alone, but I still had to compete with all those others waiting for that opportunity which only comes once in a new moon. 

Finally I was chosen and cultured like a prize pearl in prep school being made ready for my blind date with destiny. When that magic time came, I said goodbye to my alma matter, popped out and leapt up into a freakishly Fallopian fingered funnel. Once in, I was escorted along on a magic carpet ride where the carpet stayed still and I floated across its waves - it tickled my belly and I laughed all the way (maybe that’s why I’m so ticklish there now?). As I was dropped at my destination, I picked a nice location, primped a bit to look presentable and then waited some more for that special someone. 

 Of course by now waiting was second nature. Being one of four hundred to be sent, the waiting and hoping can be horrendous, and then once picked there comes the worry that you won't be dropped at the right time. Or worse a waiting wall-flower unattended and unnoticed at the ball. 

Well, after all that waiting and worrying you sort of develop a protective shell, and learn to go with the flow. Besides, many of my predecessors were dropped into oblivion, never to meet that special someone, dying lonely and unexpressed, why should it be any different for me? Unexpressed and fading into oblivion, just like the millions of those long distance swimmers, each one half an individual with hopes and dreams, eventually drowned in defeated exhaustion. 

You see the chances of a gamete actually making it out alive are very, very slim.

Oh what rapture filled me to the core when I sensed the swarm high tailing it toward me like a bunch of sex starved lunatics! This was it, my date with destiny! 

 We were joined and thus became the start of Me!  Me, Me, Me! Happy Birthday to Me!

In the course of a man’s life it is estimated that he manufactures and releases at least 20 trillion sperm. A woman is born with somewhere around 400,000 potential eggs in her body, 0.1% of which, approximately 400, will mature and be dropped during her fertile years, the rest degenerate and are reabsorbed after waiting in futility all those thirty some odd years to be chosen.

The chances that the manufacture and release of that one sperm would coincide with the release of that one egg which together define me are astronomical, especially if combined with the probability that that sperm would reach and penetrate that egg. Add again to this the probability of that new replicating cell finding a foothold to plant itself, and coming to term, without accident or incident, and you have a very mind spinning figure.

If another sperm other then mine had beat me to it, or had another egg dropped other than mine you wouldn't be reading this, because I wouldn't be writing it. (Maybe you’re rooting for another combination at this point?). 

However, it’s interesting to consider what would have happened had another beat me to the punch. If so, my other half (the egg) would have survived, yet this new pairing would make another unique person, and in that person would be expressed some of the traits held within my egg half. Each pairing is unique, like holding two computer punch cards together and seeing where the holes correspond. This intruder sperm may block out many of my egg traits, or it may allow some that my sperm would not, thus creating an individual quite unique and different from me. This other person may look and act a bit like me in some ways, but they would not be me, they would be them. I would have joined the ranks of the infinitesimal failures that died off, never to exist at all...the kicker is trying to mentally perceive all the viable combinations.  I have a feeling that each coupling of two humans only has so many viable combinations - their eggs and sperm are keyed together to only produce a closed set of possible compatible combos...but then you're left calculating the chance of your parents meeting each other. Possiblities only continue to unravel as you add the defining elements.

Knowing this - Any failure or disappointment I face in the here and now of this life is paltry and pale compared to the ominous failure I overcame in the here before. At least with these failures I have the luxury of trying again and again to get it right.

That is why I celebrate this day most of all, my birthday - the nascence of Me. I made it. I am alive, unique and unreplicateable (for now).  What a miracle it is that I made it.  Sure you may say, “If not me or you than someone else would have come along to take our places - life happens, that’s no great miracle.”  But it is a miracle to me, when I consider the enormous potential that I had for failure, and hence nonexistence. By the odds I was so heavily destined to fail.

But I didn't fail. I beat the odds and won the rights and privileges of life.  I exist - isn't that the best gift ever?

What a prize! What a treasure! Who gives a damn if there’s nothing beyond death, we've all made it past the black void of nonexistence. That alone should be reward enough. Kingdom come is here, and now, this very moment.  This is life and joy to be had in abundance.   

Abandoning faith, but not hope, in the promises of an infinite tomorrow, I am resolved to live and appreciate the blessings and joys of this life for which my better halves so precariously fought. Be things as they may in that bigger picture no one is allowed to see, I will not fear punishment, nor annihilation, for I will have lived happily and well - this is my intent. 

 And hopefully on my way I will also pass on a part of me to others, both of my physical self and through the interaction and words I share. In this way I live most assuredly in perpetuity. In this way I pierce my individuality again into that egg, now the egg of time, and the egg of others, which is the other part of future me. So doing, I fertilize the future with the expression of me, and my perpetuity is assured one way or both. 

All of creation is one big scream crying to be heard and dying to express itself, so why should I be any different. I am me, I am a winner, I am alive - the greatest victory of all!  Expression!   Happy Birthday Everyone!

Author's Note:

Some may take issue with my little story because they hold to the idea that each of us has an eternal soul and that soul exist independent of a body. This “eternal soul” concept also includes the idea that we are all destined to be born according to some eternal plan. They would claim, “Your soul could been placed into any body and you would still be you.” However, with all my studies in biology, human psychology, and genetics I cannot except this ;)

 Each person is uniquely who they are largely due to genetic coding and also their growth environment. It is all very tenuous. We must consider the compelling idea that our existence is not guaranteed, but the simple byproduct of chaos and chance. Some might say, “You evil materialistic determinist, genes don’t determine who I am - I determine who I am. You can’t contain me in your genetic wrapping paper, or plot the course of my life according to your gene maps.” To that I would say of course not, nothing as complex as human development is predictable or predetermined. If the miracle of creation we observe in the cosmos has taught us anything, it teaches ever so strongly the precept of chaos and chance. Nothing is rigid or nailed down, nothing appears determined, everything floats about in a chaotic spin of entities and interactions, possibilities combining and colliding according to natural laws. It would take one of supreme intelligence, a magna cum laud Ph.D. multi- black belt mega-genius, to be able to look into all this chaos and predict or determine anything. Maybe this is who we call God.  Maybe in some strange and mysterious way my spirit guides or keys which egg will drop and which sperm will meet it.  Maybe it is all guided by God.

Many of the anti-genetic ilk feel and profess that God knows the beginning from the end, and yet they don’t label him a materialistic determinist. Being omniscient as he is, he must understand perfectly our genetic coding, (indeed, he would be the author of it), and must use this “program” to create us. Peering into the abyss of chaos and probabilities he may have caused (or allowed) all things to coincide perfectly in order to code our spirits into physical existence. 

 What we do from there is up to us. Who knows how it all works? For some strange reason many people’s concept of themselves is totally detached from their cognitive rational brain, yet the brain is the organ of the mind. It is where all the thought, logic, preferences, tastes, impressions, perception, attitudes, aptitudes and abilities originate. Don’t all these thing comprise a personality? In this physical world you cannot be you without full function of your brain. Without a brain, the you that is you simply ceases to exist, or gets very confused and lost. Just ask anyone with progressed Alzheimer’s, or anyone who has pierced the darkness. :D

Thru The Blue

Revisting Thoughts From The Rabbit's Hole

1963 - Year of the Water Rabbit

"Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive to evidence" - Elyn Saks

My question is, "If my delusions ebb and flow, change and transform (are not fixed) are they still delusions, or are they just wild imaginings?"  

I love to play with ideas, maybe too much so.  Sometimes, if I follow an idea too far it goes down a rabbit hole... Unafraid, I follow still.  I am a rabbit; I love cozy deep dark holes.  I love the solitude of the dark and being confined and safe within a home of me and my own.  I am the opposite of agoraphobic.  I can be there, in my safe dark little space, re-ingesting and further digesting these wild ideas - squeezing them for all they're worth.  If life is a banquet, like I've alluded to here before, sometimes it's beneficial to re-examine what you've thrown out - chew the poo so to speak.   This is what rabbits do.  It's call cecotropy.  As part of their digestive process, usually at night between normal eating times they emit a soft mucus covered poo - we'll call it 'night poo', the stuff of dreams, but it's technically called a Cecotrope, these wet sticky green morsels are what they proceed to eat. Yum Yum from the bum bum!

Cecotrope: Cecotropes, also called 'night feces' or 'soft feces,' are the material resulting from the fermentation of food in a part of the digestive system called the 'cecum.' Cecotropes are nutrient-rich and are passed out of the body, like feces, but are reingested by the animal so the nutrients can be absorbed. Cecotropes have twice the protein, and half of the fiber of the typical hard fecal pellet. They also contain high levels of vitamin K and the B vitamins...

 ...In cecotrophic animals the large fiber particles pass quickly through the colon and are excreted as typical feces. Through special muscle contractions (reverse peristalsis) in the colon, the nutrient-rich portion of the food is moved back into the cecum, a sac-like structure between the small intestine and colon. This food remains in the cecum, where it is broken down by special bacteria into absorbable nutrients, such as simple sugars, starches, and amino acids. At a certain time of the day, depending upon the species of the animal, the material from the cecum is moved into and through the colon and passed out through the anus. The animal then ingests this material and it moves through the digestive tract a second time, and the nutrients formed in the cecum are absorbed in the small intestine. Without this process, many of the nutrients in the food would be lost and passed through the colon, and out as typical feces. If rabbits, guinea pigs, and rodents are not allowed to eat the cecotropes, they will suffer from malnutrition....

....In a way, cecotrophy is similar to the process of ruminant animals chewing their cud. Cows, goats, and other ruminants chew their food once, swallow it, and then the digestive process continues in the rumen where the fiber starts to be broken down by bacteria. When these animals chew their cud, the material from the rumen is brought up through the esophagus to the mouth, where it is rechewed and swallowed. By repeating this portion of the digestive process, ruminants, too, receive more nutrition from their food.

http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?c=18+1799&aid=2932

So in a way, rabbits are ruminants who just do it differently, maybe in a more disgusting way, but come on! Is chewing regurgitated food (barf) any worse than eating specially prepared poo? 

Gladly, in humans, ruminating means something entirely different.  It means thinking on passed experiences or thoughts. Bringing things back up later for re-examination. Most people just enjoy life as it passes, having very little need to revisit it over again.  They live it once without thinking too hard on it.  They accept things as they come and digest the answers they've been given without need for much, if any, rumination.  Like all things in life, this attribute is both a blessing and a curse ... especially a curse when they are being fed a bunch of crap that they happily accept and move on (or actually get stuck with, since that's what error usually does).  

Life and reality are certainly a profound riddle IF you dare to think deeply about it and question the seemingly unquestionable, but therein lies my joy in life (and my curse). Sometimes I think too much and too hard.  It's something in my nature.  Sometimes I think so hard I break my brain, or get caught in a run-away train of thought.  In all my thinking I do not think myself smart ... If I were smart, perhaps I wouldn't have to think so hard? If I were smart I would have avoided all the pitfalls of insanity (My studies of the brain show that we're all insane). At any rate, I thank God for the game, and giving me the bouncy ping-pong mind to play it (and for providing the net).  

You are meant to have joy in this life, and have it in abundance.  I try to find joy and delight every day.  My greatest joy is found when my mind is engaged, as well as my body.  Maybe I'm out of touch with the suffering and reality that most people experience.  I admit I have a pretty good life, but it's not without its issues. Duality always seeps in, no matter our level of ease. My life is certainly better than much of what I hear reported, especially better than much of human history.  There is no other time that I would want to be alive ... at least not yet.

I appreciate my life, and mostly just being, a spectator at the spectacle.  I guess this is because I've considered hard what it would be like not to be; to have never existed.  Even if my life is a short little blip, at least I'll be able to say I came, I saw, I heard, I was ... even if erased to history.   It has been said in one form or another that most people live their lives in silent anonymity.   As a rabbit I'm down with that.  As a chameleon, it's cool.  Secret, silent, hidden; I have very little need to be seen or heard (within this rabbit mindset).  I type these things mostly as a way to process my thoughts. I'm actually glad to think I may just be talking with myself.

These installments are my night poo that I excrete and eat again.  Writing for me has always been a very effective way of distilling what and how I feel and think.    And here, in this installment, I am trying to communicate to you the view of a Rabbit and welcome you to explore my hole, better even your own hole(s).  I am perfectly fine with isolation.

In my thinking lately I've been very fixated on context.   With the last passing manic episode I was challenged quite heavily to keep things in context.  To be Ron Hill, to be Rhill (real). As I viewed myself throughout time I had to keep remembering who I was right now.  I know this sounds crazy (try living it).

My takeaway herein, is that TODAY is yesterday's heaven ... if you could realize that, and remember just how much anticipation and excitement you felt back then (yesterday) to be where you are now (today), and be experiencing all the cool things you are experiencing now, your joy would be immediate and full, in every coming moment of consciousness.  

Like children we cry and complain because experience is always a few steps ahead of perspective.  And joy is all about perspective and context, and catching up perspective to realize the joy you are having right now.  Many times when I observe a child I see a creature that is complaining or confused because they lack the perspective needed to appreciate their wonderful place in time.  As an adult I look back upon my childhood with fondness, and like most experiences wish I could do it again knowing what I know now (And when I'm tuned to my wonderful inner child I am doing it again in an even better way than the way I made this wish).  Many times in life the answers you need come only after you've taken the test.  Experience lags perspective. This is why we are unhappy in most cases of unhappiness.  We can not appreciate our special place in time, right now, our special challenges/blessings when we have them NOW.  Somehow, we fail to live in the now, always looking ahead for more or better, or behind in regret or longing.  Living the now is living in context. Living the now in context with a caught up perspective is joy.

Like I said, during mania when I view my existence through time in both directions it becomes so confusing...Everything speaks to me and is connected.  I am connected to everything, especially that conscious or living.  I see who/what I was in the long past, I see who I will be in the future.  I see through time and space. I am time and space. Time becomes irrelevant.  I am that I am.  "I am alpha and omega, the beginning and the end."  If I lose my current place in time, Ron, I fall out of context and into madness among all the layers and inversions of infinity, with the accompanying metaphors, signs, and symbolism. 

It's no coincidence that manic people realize to some degree their divinity when manic.  Maybe they are divine, and they are glimpsing that. If we are truly the children of god, we are divine and we are gods in process. If you are seeking to find god and follow his/her will you are on this path, you are divine and eternal. For god said "Mine elect hear my voice and hearken unto my spirit".  God is speaking, are you hearing it?  Currently I am, loud and clear...and it is joyful and rich.  I feel myself being lifted up and enlightened.  Out of my hole and into the light ... but I must remain grounded to the Earth, a rabbit in my safe hole of dirt.  

Here on Earth we need to live both in the spiritual context (a step once removed from now both directions) as that of a child of God, and in the context of now a hu-Man living a very physical life.  So here and now as a human, and before and after as a child of god, you become a whole person that realizes the spiritual context and lives joyfully and happily in the now, the physical.  (I hope that made sense).

I know, all of this seems silly and out of touch with reality, especially within the context of all the terrors and horrors of life on planet Earth today, during this very upsetting and trying time in the world, with all its attendant madness. It all depends on what madness you want to live within, what perspective you choose to put on reality.  To someone rooted in real world issues this will all seem like head in the clouds foolishness.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I've merely escaped down my hole, eating my own night poo in the silence and dark of my tight hole to escape the predation going on above.   So be it.  I've glimpsed who I am, who/what I was, and what I will be.  If you dare follow me down your own dark tight hole, and dare chew your own cast off treasures, thinking dark and deep, you may glimpse it all too.  As for me I have more to be and more to see, and I wish all the same for thee.  

Presently I may still be somewhat in a manic state, for when so I feel and experience god and strongly believe he is there.  It might just be that all spiritual/religious experience is simply some degree of mental illness.  I certainly know that as for myself I am more positive and hopeful in this state over that I think and feel when in some degree of depression.  I am more powerful and in tune. Like everyone learns, life is a balancing act and achieving that balance is harder for people 'blessed' like me.  I think it keeps me unstuck and better able to consider all sides. I am not afraid of falling from the beam. The key to being centered is to remember that there are certain things which cannot be known whether I'm leaning believing or agnostic atheist.  To claim knowledge in the unknowable is oft misguided arrogance.

To paraphrase what Roald Dahl says in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, "You should never ever doubt what no one is sure about"

The End (if that's what we must call it).

THE END