Given my recent divorce which wrapped up the end of 2104, and became official on Christmas Eve. I've been thinking a lot recently about human relationships ...
I'm generally convinced that the fewer of these you have, and the higher quality they are, the happier you will be. Given my mental state and situation, I'm sure you're taking that with a grain of salt, but if you consider the work and effort it takes to sustain healthy relationships with the people in your life, and the emotional and mental care you must constantly send, it does become quite a lot to handle, and depending on the other half of the relationship (the person) it can be quite draining and discouraging at times to continue building what gets so easily torn down. Maybe I've had the misfortune to be surrounded by some horrible apes and bad actors, but I think not. I think in general people are messed up. People have issues, especially in this modern world of the information age and social media where "relationships" are so superficial and throw-away, like Kleenex, easily used and disposable, as opposed to the hankey once mindfully folded and kept in your pocket.
Many people think, as is easy to do, that in order for them to love themselves they must always show how they are better than you or others, they must prove how they are lovable ... and, given that, they primarily see your actions, expressions, and observations as simply you trying to be better than them, and as the egos come out and the displays of superiority and competition are made, the game is then played to it's unwinding end. This is a common scenario in human relations - some unwinding quickly, others taking a slow and steady spiral of decline, depending on the seepage rate.
Conversing is generally listening to others and then waiting for your turn to dance your words upon the stage with your conversational partner, in hopes of sharing something fun, interesting, insightful, supportive, helpful, etc ... A fun conversation or interchange often feels like a collaborative dance you do with others. Yet, all along while you're offering your nuggets of wisdom, your insightful contribution, or funny quip, your partner is listening to the only voice they can = you, as filtered through their perception ... missing to some degree the weight of your words because they weigh them differently, too much or not at all, and possibly not really listening at all (giving your words any weight) and solely thinking of what they want to communicate ... and yet still, we all try to communicate something in this clunky process of self expression.
Having spent a large amount of time alone in recent years, I think the thing we are most often trying to express is that we are not alone, and that other people understand us and have had similar experiences, and possibly can offer different insights within such that might prove helpful to your own.
But, I have encountered, over and over, that people don't want to know what you've discovered because they want to discover it themselves. Most people would rather give advice that receive it. If you present yourself as someone who has been there, done that, and "Boy! Let me tell you how to navigate it!"... Yeah, you skate the edge of becoming that person, a downright bore and buzzkill!
They're a Mr/Ms Know it all ... But by commiseration with my situation (which I typically blame myself for most, in hope of not adopting a debilitating victim mentality) they, no matter their tone, are exposing themselves as just as lost as me, just as susceptible to the wiles and whims of others and the world, even if only in another way. Rather than view these people as superior or trying to be, it is more helpful for me to view them as someone who has experienced something in common, and when listening to their tale, filtering the particulars of their situation can be informative when applying it to my own.
So, released into the wild after 26 years of marriage which meant an all out absence from the dating scene, dating women today is not at all what it was when I last left it.
In dating women today, it must be acknowledged that in the information age with its attendant online dating and social media, women today are spoiled for choice. Biologically, save a few female anomalies, men are still the pursuers, the ones most motivated to take action to seek and find a mate. Or as they say, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bike.
Men are typically still the ones who make the first move, and that all the way down to bending the knee in submission. Men are typically the ones who put themselves out there for the risk, and the oft reality of initial or later rejection. With regularity we put ourselves willingly in a position of disadvantage. And in the current climate of abundance, given the ease of pursuit and a loaded inbox of men pursuing them, many available women have the advantage. It is an advantage they wield sometimes with unflinching rudeness, maybe even going unregistered as such, like when a princess tells a serf to keep his head down when addressing her.
I think many women expect to find just a bit better than they deserve in a man, and have decided given past disappointments that they will never settle for less than their ideal ... shortly into the "relationship" they will discover (through their suspicious and careful, maybe even PTSD riddled minds) as they critique your life stories and you in the present, that you are found wanting when compared to their list of ideals, and thus they are just a bit better than you deserve, and with this paranoid or haughty reality they are shortly off to their next victim, to suck and sample their life blood as well on their quest for the perfect man, typically involving a lopsided relationship where they're the queen, and their prince, or superman, is to be found somewhere in the haystack of their overstuffed message box.
I think in general, people are self serving in most of what they do, with mere pretensions of interest or alliance. When the shit hits the fan everyone tends to their own needs first, just like they tell you with the airbags on a plane.
I know this is a very pessimistic view of human nature, but it makes sense. An organism's primary drive is ensuring its own survival. Group organisms must develop a degree of mutual trust and assistance - altruism and egalitarianism, but also there are those who play the other side of this group windfall and learn to take, without giving as much back - these are the free riders, the vampires, who feed and live off of your life. These are the ignorant and rude, who only see advantage, and look for it at every opportunity.
I see this all the time, friends (or family) for the sake of "What's in it for me?"
This was recently posted to a friend on her FB post:
"I wish you were my sister so I could take advantage of all your talent"
WTF!? What about being her sister so you could be closer, or enjoy hanging out with her more. Take advantage? No thanks Pal!
As is the story, Jesus walked about doing miracles (helping people in big ways). Although it was a great attention-getter, it was also a huge distraction, and somewhat an annoyance to Jesus. Word of his "Talents" mostly lead people to him only for the point and purpose of "Taking Advantage" for what they needed physically, but caring very little about the true treasure he held within his head, nor the wisdom that flowed from his tongue.
I am convinced that, like Frankenstein's monster, especially as portrayed in the series Penny Dreadful, in order for an immortal and powerful being (God) to take human form and live among us, they would have to suppress and hide much of what sets them apart, and instead blend in, in a subservient and meek role, otherwise he'd scare the hell out of everyone if they truly knew of his power, and in that disparity they'd want to kill him - and they would.
People do not really want to know God, they just want him to give them what they desire. If you truly were one with God you would be measured mad, and shunned. Because in being one with god you would realize your divinity, that you were a god, at least in embryo, or maybe even a teenage god. If you tell people that, they think you're crazy... if you speak what you know to those who would only benefit by judging you as necessarily deficient, then you will be judged as deficient - the way people tend to be comfortable with each other - in our shared deficiencies.
But, we must be careful with seeming too deficient or needy ... for then you are not worth helping or caring about, because to do so means a level of commitment and engagement that goes beyond the superficial niceties so easily expressed ... "Thumbs Up Bro!" and a page full of "Happy Birthday's!" while you sit alone in your large home eating ice cream from the box and watching your latest favorite movie for the 10th time (Passengers) ... Yes, Happy Birthday 2 Me!
And should you actually require help, be sure not to put too much on your plate, or ask too much when you need help. This will be seen as your problem. You simply take on too much, and ask for more than most can or want to give.
Many times when you ask someone to help do something unpleasant or tedious that puts them out, infringes on their plans or time, and is only accepted because "They owe you one", they will display a lot of passive aggression in the process ... and generally help in an irritated way, as quickly as possible, and then split.
Reciprocity is a thing, and I've certainly invested my time and talents with the people I love and care about. Yet, my brothers have basically written me off, either as an annoyance, or as someone far too capable to legitimately need their help or make it worth their sacrifice of time. I mostly only hear from them when they need something from me ...
I think that possibly I've said too much to them both about my pain in divorce, and my hurtful discoveries in life about a religion one of them still clings to... the easily daunting things with which I love to wrestle and try to pin down, and these monsters as windmills, being a struggle they feel powerless to help me with or through. They may have seen far too much writhing and wriggling as I try to make myself whole again after the devastation of my faith crisis, my divorce, and losing my kids full time, and the death of my mother. To say it has been difficult would be aiming too low and miss the mark. Maybe I'm just no fun to be around anymore. Gee, I'm sorry. :(
I think it's a reality, that speaking everything you know and experience with people, from the heart, and in detail usually draws a lot of yawns and wandering eyes, especially if you are speaking from hurt and pain... It's tedious, when most people only want "The Nutshell Version"... but the nutshell misses the nut. Also, there are things that are thought, and even true, that serve no benefit nor advantage to speak. Hard truths are best discovered and uncovered alone. These messengers are typically shot, or tortured.
I often wonder if I had been able to be more discrete with what I told my ex, if she would still be with me, living off of her impression of me, instead of the reality of depth and emotions, and insights which I experience. I think I have often made the mistake of telling other people way too much and giving away my power... Some things are truly better off kept to oneself ... people cannot commiserate with decisions they themselves would not make, nor observations they have not had, nor experiences they can never fathom ... it just makes it awkward. And, if too painful, strange, or upsetting, it makes you "crazy" in their eyes - this is their coping mechanism... and crazy, unfortunately is mine, it's the end of the road in my ability to cope - I turn to fantasy and God.
I should have not been so candid with my ex about my relationship with my first love who basically left me at the alter, and broke my heart (and head). I should have not said anything but what she asked to know. Her name should have been erased from my vocabulary. My x most likely always believed that she was number two, and if my first love came along I would be gone ... not true, as I am loyal to my commitments, and truly did love her ... I still love her, and I think she believed it, or at least rationalized why that was so, in her pragmatic calculating way. And when it comes down to it in working with people, it's not so much about the reality of a thing, it's about what people believe.
I am pretty sure, knowing my 1st love, that she was and has been very discrete about talking to her subsequent boyfriends and now husband about me and our relationship. I'm pretty sure he knows very little about me and our six year relationship, and nothing about the abortion she had against my wishes, which I think was the beginning of the end of our relationship, or should have at least been the writing on the wall. No, pragmatically, her silence about her romantic past is best for the both of them in moving forward together, and a good way to "erase" the past.
In dating women, I think I might tell far too much too soon and scare the shit out of their insecurities. Or maybe they still hear me talking about my pain, and they smell the schreckstoff I'm emitting.
"Karen" who I dated more than anyone after being single, and who I thought at least a good friend, shortly left the scene after I told her I was diagnosed as BiPolar. This topic came up after I told here of an incident with a helping a sibling who was having an episode. Our conversation caused her to ask about me, and I was honest, maybe sooner than I should have been.
"Evette" called it quits shortly after I told her about my very liberal position on Mormonism, having uncovered what I did in my explorations, even though she claimed to be liberal as well. After dating her for about three months I was told that I was not a long term guy - meaning, as I ferreted out with further questions, someone who could marry her in the Temple ... I'm not? I had a current temple recommend! (Yes, I'm a heathen).
"Adrianna" only wanted to ride and train her horse, and then return home to talk on the phone with her grown ass son on our "date", to the point where I simply dismissed myself from her home. I don't think she was ready for prime time, even after all our texting. Maybe I was too short, too something, or not enough of the other? ... or maybe I looked as if I wouldn't ride or train well? Improperly groomed or shod? Who knows? I know I did wear a nice pair of borrowed boots.
I know that her behavior was more about her than me, but her treatment of me on our "date" was among some of the most rude and inconsiderate behavior that I've experienced from the opposite sex since being back on the dating scene (although not as overtly rude as some others).
I could cite the situation with every woman I've tried to date, but at some point I suspect that it all came down to a deficiency in me, and this so profoundly experienced in an arena where women are so spoiled for choice. I'm no Luke Skywalker, nor Burt Reynolds in his Smokey and the Bandit heyday ... nor whomever the young women pin by their mirrors or above their beds these days. But I'm a fairly attractive guy, with a lot to offer.
Big picture, if this continues as is, and as it has apparently been going since I left the pre-internet dating scene, I think the traditional idea of a man-woman relationship is dead, and along with it the submissive and chivalrous man who kowtows and defers to women. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in my perceptions and experiences here among single men trying to date these days.
As I've said, it seems like a lot of women today are quite wary at this mature point in the game, from the many lost loves and negative experiences with men they've experienced through their 40-50+ years, all the sleazy men just wanting sex, and as such they're on high alert for any reason to turn tail and run. I may be triggering a lot of PTSD with all my all my free flowing talk and stories of things that have happened on my journey, where the audience is filtering what I say through their ignorance of me (and in general), and filtering me through their experiences with another person, or other people, and thus I am guilty by association. I may simply be receiving the overlay of their past ... New wine in old whine-skins. (Matt 9:16-17)
Whatever. It seems to me that most single available women today are focusing on the primary objective, "What's wrong with this one?"
Once they find it, they're off to another ... not really getting it, nor me, nor probably most of the men they "date" and dump. One thing to "get" if you're really out to get it, is there's something wrong with everyone you meet - especially you.... and especially so if what you are primarily on about is finding fault and deficiency in others you associate with, in your quest to Take Advantage.
I'm finally at a point in my life where these people, the takers, the egocentric, the free riders, both male and female, are as easily dismissed as they are dismissive, and as easily ignored as they are ignorant.
Being alone is actually quite fun if you can handle it ... I hear it can drive you insane, but that's okay by me; Like Bilbo, I've been there and back again. And with my new approach to the takers, the users, and the vampires, and let's not forget the Orcs and their cave trolls, I'm learning to do it well ... be alone that is, and not kill orcs with the bite of my Sting.
So if you chose to come to my dark and haunted house, and if by chance you find me all dusty and alone, seeming dead in deep sleep or thought as I lay on a couch with all the shades drawn, be sure to greet me with a stake through the heart! ... I've certainly had worse living among lying and cheating apes out for advantage, as I do. I may just be a vampire, Frank's monster, a god-monster, a defector from the tribe, to be hated and shunned.
You may now play me a tune from the world's tiniest violin ... and I'll go get my life-sized accordion.
