It's kinda funny when I hear people call themselves or others Christians and talk about Christ. Christ wasn't Jesus's name. It isn't even a Hebrew name. It is a Greek title, Christos, meaning anointed one. Jesus, in all of his life, never once referred to himself as Christ.
And even if it was only those Greek geeks who came after him calling him Christos, Christ wasn't the only christ. There were many anointed ones, especially in the Jewish faith. They were anointing everything with oils, both in and out of sacred rites. Desert cultures love oils, especially for the hair and skin. Calling Jesus the Christ literally means Jesus the anointed one, Jesus the one we oiled, Jesus the lubricated and the moist. I'm sure his hair and skin looked great.
So a Christian is a person who follows only one christofied dude, out of the many well-oiled dudes who came out of the Hebrew tradition of being anointed with special oil and some magic words to attain a title, a religious ranking (keep note that the Hebrew society was a theocracy) and they think calling this guy Christ, rather than by his (modernized) name Jesus, is something more special, more significant than his real name and his true identity. I guess it's just more evidence of how people can miss the tree for the forest ... or the case for the lawyer.
Imagine if Jesus was a Lawyer. Lawyer would be his title. It would be perfectly fine to call him Jesus the Lawyer, or even Lawyer Jesus ... if he had his law degree and license to practice that is ... but to simply call him Lawyer is wrong. Imagine hearing, "Lawyer said, we should all love each other and live in peace together."
Yeah, that would be weird in more ways than one. "Which lawyer said that? And why is he calling himself just Lawyer?", some might ask, especially other lawyers. Others might wonder if that cat was really a lawyer since that message is bad news for lawyers everywhere.
So, since back then, religion was the law and the law was the religion, Jesus was anointed to practice and interpret the law of Moses (The Torah) and minister to the Hebrew people as a public servant, illegally it should be noted.
Around the age of 30 or so, he came back to Hebrew town after a long stay in India with his dad (Life in a Hebrew Town - Hey-um-ma-ma-my, Hey-um-ma-my-yah!) He desired to minister to his own people as he had done with his people in the East (His father was an Indian Holy Man. Jesus was a half-breed). He knew in order to minister and practice within Hebrew society he would need a license to preach and the "proper" anointing from some faction of Judaism (The Essenes) in order to give him some street cred among the Jewish people.
So one night, back home, breaking bread with the family (Joe, Mary, his step, and half-siblings), Jesus heard tell of his cousin John, who was living out in the desert, baptizing and anointing people as disciples in his special sect of Judaism. Knowing that a place within mainstream Judaism as a priest or man of the cloth was blocked from his entry, Jesus stuck it to the man and traveled out and joined John's practice in the desert. He eventually graduated his discipleship, was anointed with a ton of THC oil, and sent out to wander the desert, HAF, for 40 days. Jewish numerology loves the number 40, so it probably wasn't exactly 40 days, especially if we're relying on someone high on Kannabis to tell us how long he was gone. ;)
40 is simply Hebrew speak to denote "a substantial spell". Yeah, you'd be talking to the devil at that point too. This rite was part of his graduation ceremony. So yes, if you asked a mainstream Temple Jew, Jesus was given the priesthood illegally within an unrecognized sect and ceremony.
He began his ministry upon finding his way back out of the desert and returning to mainstream society. When his folks heard from the neighbors he was back in town after his wild trip out to see cousin Johnny in the desert, they also heard that he was out telling crazy stories about himself, the devil, and god, they quickly went off to save their family reputation. According to Mark, the earliest gospel, Mary his mother, and a few brothers and sisters went to the place he was preaching, a house, and tried to fetch him home thinking he had gone mad, mostly because he was saying unusual things and implying that he was the son of god. So much for the annunciation, hey Mary?
This also explains why the godly representatives within mainstream Judaism were so often at odds with Jesus and his illegitimacy. So often they are seen giving him shit and arguing with him. Turns out that Jesus the Christ was not properly oiled or Christed enough for them (they never used that word), which is completely understandable. He got his license to preach on the black market while getting high on kaneh bosm (cannabis). Jesus was unconventional, to put it mildly.
I love Jesus and everything that surrounds him. So when speaking of Jesus by name, keep your Christ ... right next to your Crisco. If I were to name Christians properly, I'd call them Jesussians, an homage to both Jesus and Dr. Suess with their wild collection of late told stories called the New Testament (aka The Legends of Jesus).
And by the really far-out chance that people ever take to following me and making up wild stories after I'm long dead and gone simply because I was rumored to be a well-oiled man who may have been said to say some inspired shit, and do some miracles (like filing my taxes every year), I hope they call themselves Ronions and meet every week in an anointed cave to bake, get baked, lube, eat, drink and be hairy, for tomorrow they dry.
If anyone feels the need to tell some stories about me they must do it with the vile breath of garlic and onions on their lips as they speak. And laughter is the best amen, deep and hard, maybe even farting laughter, but never on purpose, especially in a closed space - Come on man! that's rude and inconsiderate, and violates the spirit of Just Ron the Ron ... Namely, Poo unto others as you would have them poo unto you ...
As you've read already, if people end up worshipping me, I also hope to be known as Just Ron the Ron, the Fun Sun of God, because ya'll need to lighten up a bit, turn off your electRONics, quit talking so much crap on the internet, and go outside more. ;)
P.S. I hope you didn't find all this too anointing, and it wasn't seen as unctuous. Beneath all my joking there is a very sincere heart and I love you, whatever you profess to be... even a lover of those well oiled.
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| Fearless Leader of the Ronions - Just Ron the Ron Note: We didn't know what the fuck he actually looked like so this depiction is as good as any |
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