Why So Shy Little Guy?

As a child I was painfully shy and did not say much, especially to strangers or authority figures (adults).  A childhood acquaintance, now good friend, recently admitted to me that he interpreted that silence to mean I didn't have much going on upstairs - that made me laugh.  He, being a grade school teacher, then asked me to expound on the mind of a shy child.  I've given it much thought and deliberation and think I am now prepared to respond.  Let me first make clear that I can only speak my own mind on this topic.  My shyness might not be the same mix of character traits found in other people who suffer shyness.

Although I was shy, I was also a very curious child.  I was very exploratory and interested in why things are what they are, how things work. What is going on inside that clock? Often because of my quiet, non-assertive, nature I went unnoticed in a group.  I have encountered that experience many times as an adult, often being last, overlooked, or ignored.  I should also note that often, despite the exclusion, I was perfectly fine in my own head exploring thoughts and ideas. Silence leads to observation and listening - I call it passive learning with an active mind. I was also quite content alone.  Although I had a few good friends, I didn't have a strong drive for friends.

I chalk up my shyness and unassertive nature to an extreme sense of my own deficiencies.  As a child you are quite deficient, knowledge of such causes you to be unassertive. I was a keen observer of other people and found much evidence that they were better, stronger, faster, smarter than me.  I was average, or worse, less than.  This was my subjective assessment of self which I thought objective based on experiences with others.  Call it extreme halo bias toward others, or lack of a healthy ego in myself.  Peers were not peers, and adults were even higher, especially when in authoritative and uniformed positions.

I wrote a poem titled Run-Ron-Run, about a childhood experience.  My third grade teacher Mrs. Olsen took her new batch of students out to the playground lawn to play a game of duck duck goose.  I was unfortunate in that, once tagged, I could not catch anyone.  My timid nature had kicked in (I was at a new school (Carl Sandberg) and knew very few of my classmates).  Nonagressive in my running, I eventually was winded fell and passed out on the grass.  When I came to, I saw the sweet face of my teacher and the faces of my grinning, sneering classmates all standing around me in a circle.  How embarrassing.  


RUN RON RUN        7-17-98

Run Ron run
You can get it done!
‘Neath the scorching sun
The turtle made to run

Catch them, 
Catch them, 
Catch them if you can
You the prize to win
Peers giggle and grin
On your trip, your knees you skin

A rotating flip head to chin to head
lands you upon your can instead
you land there, laid out bare
The children circle round to stare

Children in a circle
Standing on the lawn
I feel like Dr. Jerkyl
As over me they fawn

I wheeze and gasp, 
soon to out pass, 
lying limp upon the grass
Laughs, tittles, giggles, 
taunting wondering eyes
Jeer the simple fool 
who could not catch the prize
as laid out on the grass, 
in agony he lies

And loving teacher kind, 
not amused at all
redirects mean mocking minds, 
marching them down the hall

But remember the simple story
of the turtle's patient glory
with his slow insightful care, 
the first to make it there
And in the end to humble the
The quick and cocky hare


I am the turtle slow but wise, 
and in my own time I'll win the prize

I also recall as a young boy a trip to the dentist.  My dentist, a very outgoing and jovial man whom I admired, was talking up a storm to me, with the attendant devices and fingers stuffed in my mouth.  At one point he said, "You don't say much do you?"  Which expectation I found immediately ironic.  Then he added, "Well, I guess it's true what they say, still waters run deep"  THAT - was a memorable and impactful moment in my life.  A man, an adult, whom I admired, had thought I was deep.  Of course I returned nothing but a silent, mouth loaded, smile.  Deep?  Wow!  I knew (believed) I was, I just found it highly perceptive that he sensed that about me in all my silence. Maybe it was just small talk, but I took it to heart.  I thought incessantly about things and people - a resort necessarily taken when you don't talk much.

Because of my non-assertive shy nature I was passed over a lot in school.  I wasn't great academically or physically.  The other kids were more adept at social interactions and activities necessary to garner positive attention.  I'm sure some of my teachers assessed me as dull and stupid as well.  And to some degree I was. The adage, "Better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" comes to mind.   

I was certainly unskilled in social interaction, simply because I did not engage and experience it in a degree needed to develop that skill.  I still somewhat suck at it.  Whenever in a group conversation with my wife, this point is driven home.  She is very gifted socially, and I, by comparison, am clumsy.  As such most of people's attention in conversation is focused on her.  I usually resign to just sit in on the conversation and listen, nod, smile and observe.

In my home my father was an emotional authoritarian, and my mother a self-obsessed chatterbox (I mean that in the nicest of ways possible, she was and is a great mother in so many ways).  In both cases you learn to shut your mouth and listen to get along.  

I was very good at pleasing my father, and highly skilled at zoning out into my own world when trapped in the car for two hours a day with my garrulous mother (I helped her fold and throw a paper route).  This learned ability to focus and detach amid a constant stream of information proved beneficial to me. 

I am very much a middle child - third of six, and the middle of three middle boys. (from that you should be able to deduce the girls). This position often tends toward being ignored and lost in the middle.  I realize that birth order is a controversial topic in child psychology, but I count it as an environmental factor that shapes experience, and hold currently to some of the ideas re environmental influence and context shaping expression of personality.

At one point of self discovery, trying to understand and explore my bipolar illness, I stumbled upon a wiki site about Latency Inhibition, and particularly the section on Low Latency Inhibition.  Much of it resonated.  Especially the part about intelligence reducing the severity of the disorder - that was a clue to me on how to solve my problem - I needed knowledge and to improve my intelligence.  Knowledge was key to coping with it.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latent_inhibition

(edit - after initially posting this, the following link was brought to my attention, and seems to fit what I wrote here, and resonates with me in many areas upon reading it. - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person)

Although I realize the weaknesses of my shy condition, I am also very aware of its strengths.  Sometimes we would all do well to just shut up and listen and observe.  Observe objectively.  Being shy my subjective nature was naturally objective.  I found flaws in myself that were real and faced them, much of my physicality and intellect made me face them.  This causes a lot of insecurity and pain. 

As I've grown and learned into adulthood, the notion of being wrong and checking myself and incoming information, especially information that tended to make me feel better about my world and myself, has served me well  (see my previous blog on the power of the negative).

In my ongoing study of cognition I recently came across an article on bias that indicated depressive people are very good at avoiding self serving bias. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-serving_bias  

In this case my ability to be objective about myself, although quite painful, is also quite powerful.  Stark reality is depressing.  Many things which are true are not happy nor comfortable.

In my youth I also loved animals and nature (like a lot of kids).  I particularly was drawn to monkeys and apes, and had many a pet lizard, toad, frog or bird.  One of my favorite reptiles was the chameleon - I never actually had a real chameleon, only green anoles which could change from green to brown.  I admired it for its ability to be silent and blend in.   I admire animals that seek protection by not doing harm, or non permanent harm, much like the skunk. 

I find it interesting that the Chameleon's skills are used for both protection and predation.  I wrote a poem about the Chameleon, which I think is a nice way to wrap it up.  It's called The Strength of the Chameleon

THE STRENGTH OF THE CHAMELEON

7/24/98

The strength of the chameleon is that he does well know

when to turn from green to brown

and which hue he should show.

Each color is a part of him

Creeping changing on a limb

Eyes independent, mine when blurring

Two tiny twisting telescopes

Their masterful conductor, lobes a whirring

Hitting all the drifting stirring notes

Silent notes unstruck, unplucked 
Master of colors, motion 
still 
and stuck, 
unstirring.

A sight so delicate and refined

that man has captured and confined

To shape him, make him change, conform

Prized vanished specter against the norm

To rid him of his fanciful whims,

behind glass hidden on brown dry limbs

Much sooner to die in captivity

this kaleidoscope guy of longevity free

Listening to those who think they know

He gets a year full and more

Still and calm as their wild winds blow

Keeping it all up there in quiet store

He learns to hide his full glory

on bent limbs crouching still and down

With all senses listening to the pageantry

frozen he moves, blending green from brown

Quiet little guy

Why stay there still and shy?

You're a miracle hid in our plain sight

Your tongue can flick the sky's delight

Chameleon, vermilion, master of the blend

Your strength is not how fast you move, 

but messages you don’t send.

You are the jungle’s silent friend

Clever and quick (in your own way), and strange

Chameleon, hidden, frozen, mute -

I Love You.  Don’t You Ever Change.

If you find all this talk of self as a sign of arrogance or self-indulgence, please know that a shy person such as myself is innately painfully humble and self checking, I hope that concept is the main thesis of this blog.  I am painfully aware at how talking about myself can appear as unchecked ego or narcissistic. But in my later years I can only say, "What the hell, everyone else is doing it, and I think I've listened enough and at this point I think I finally have something important to say!"  

So piss off!  :)